tings charriissa ♥

Moving on but always looking back.

Monday, May 14, 2012 / 9:06 PM

I have found that special someone that i thought was vanish from planet earth.
I boasted so much about him, crowning him with the grand title of THE BEST GUY.
I guess, i picture everything too beautifully.
Isn't this a super old school theory that people will only treasure what they have lost?
Many a time, whatever we see in our memory are an overrated chapter of our lives.
If we were to live once again, back to where our beautiful memories were... we will realise that it is not as good as we thought we remember.

I miss that special someone.
it has been 9 years.
i did not regret letting go of him because i know clearly that it was the best choice to do so there and then.
And i obviously know that even if we were to have something now, it is impossible for us to hold one another forever.
this story will be have a miserable ending, i am pretty sure.

I am disappointed.
no matter what and no matter how, i really do want to have him as my friend once again.
but things doesn't seem to be as easy as i thought.
to make the matter worse, i am left in confusion...
i seriously do not have a clue why he refuse to reply my message.
A) He just doesnt give a damn at all.
B) He is still thinking if he should reply.
C) His jealous pot girlfriend don't allow.

no matter what, i have clearly lost that special someone.

i am sorry for what i have done to you 9 years ago.
i know i do not have the right to demand anything.
i was in your shoe, and i really understand.

Just... disappointed.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011 / 12:03 AM

omg, i am damn happy now!
i know i am dumb but i can't express it else where!
HAHAHAHAHA!

I CANNOT STOP SMILING! <3

MISTAKE OR TRUE LOVE?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011 / 3:06 AM

It was said that to fall in love is a kind of fate.
i believe in this saying because out of billions of people, you fell for this one person.
isn't this fate?
but i don't understand and feel sorry for those who fell so deeply but yet gained nothing.
if falling in love is also a kind of fate, then why God, they can't be together?
if they are not meant to be together, then why God, did you allow for her to fall for him?

or is this just a human error?
if it's human error, this is such a painful mistake.

gosh, i am tired.
tired of this guessing game.
sometimes i am angry.
angry that why am i the only party going bonkers.

i say, i believe in God's plan.
probably i have no patience and this is a test for me.
this is a game where no matter how anxious i am, there is nothing else i can do except for keeping my cool.
this is a drama where i am starring, a show that i have to put on.
to act as if i don't care, to act as if i don't give a damn.
i can't say that i am not a good actress.. because i gave myself away.. many times.
but hey, i will improve on this and make sure none will expose my mask.

24, my limit.
or maybe it's not.
God knows best.
i have no idea how far and how much i can stretched myself.
God knows best.

i am just sick,
sick of finding excuses and reasons for you.
not for your sake, but mine.
simply because it can make me feel better, so much better.

self-control...
especially in my thoughts.
how hard can this be.
you ain't worth it at all.
but why, why why.
if this is not love, then what is it?

what if its my my human error?
how much am i going to pay for my this mistake?

but then again,
if its not you, then who?

gonna end this by saying....
it is all in God's wonderful plan.
and all i need to do...
is not to be worried about it and...
SERVE HIM WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
and he will find a vanness and place it in my life.

For all good things will happen to those who loves him.
thank you Lord :)

This is what a bugger will do...

Monday, September 5, 2011 / 11:27 PM

it's like, i will tend to do one thousand and one insignificant stuffs before starting on my god-damn practicum assignment.

to post this entry on my blog is one of them.

oh dang.

THE GREATEST GIFT

Sunday, July 10, 2011 / 10:57 PM

I am wondering, since when did my views towards life has turn to become this pessimistic?

thinking back, i used to (childishly) hopped that Jesus won't come back too soon...

not until i get married and grow old, and of course die happily.

but as i grow... things just change.

i am so tired that i can't wait for his second coming...

but what is really holding me back from this wish is that, i am not ready for the judgement day.

what a problematic kid i am.

i pity all little children, they have to go through all the sucky education systems...

they have to go through life.

i am actually glad that i have went through most (?) of it?

hah, pessimistic you say?

i think so too.

there is a huge problem here...

my life shouldnt be led this way.

i have the source of joy, always available for me.

but why aren't i receiving them?

why am i not living the joyful kind of life that i ought to live?

could it be... i am in the wrong direction?

if this is so, i am too wrong that i can't figure out which is the right way despite my strong desire to find it.

argh life, life, life....

what lies ahead?

what to anticipate?

what would you avail yourself to be like?

i want/dont want to know.

OPEN IT, AT YOUR RISK.

Thursday, May 19, 2011 / 4:07 PM

everyone longs to fly out of where they are imprisoned in.

if only it was this easy.

the most terrifying prison is never the one that lock your physical self in, but rather the one that chain your mental self.

it just chills me right into the bone that sometimes, my longing for freedom has gave in to my mental prison.

the world outside this closet might be too much for me.

but than again, do i really want this forever?

what's in the closet, no one knows.

LOCK ME UP IN A BOX, PLEASE.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011 / 10:43 PM

Tummy hasn't been too friendly to me recently.
and all thanks to it, i had my virgin experience staying in the hospital for 3 days.
sadly, i do not have much good news to share, yet.

failed my driving test horribly.
i seriously have no idea i should laugh or cry.
maybe neither.
what torn me up the most is not the failure by itself, but my heart just stop beating for a second every time i think of the money and time that i am going to spend on it.
i ain't talented in driving, but i am so gonna let myself down if i were to give up like this.
though this is an oh-so-sweet temptation.
argh, can't wait to get driving out of my life.

i was telling my evil twin (my new found name for jency, haha) that i was really blind.
but the awful news is that, i was blind and now i am still blind.
HAHA.
objectively speaking, everyone loves beautiful things.
i am definitely a huge fan of it. :)
but i don't know what is wrong with me that i am so blind to eye for... haha no comments.
love is blind?
nah, i am not a believer of this.
i believe that love is never blind.
in fact, we have to open our eyes wide to choose.

the more i think about it, the more i find it hopeless.
the ray of hope seems smaller and smaller.
so i am still hoping and praying for God to open another door for me.

---

because of my sickness, i have been neglecting work a lot.
i feel bad but i really do not know what can i do about it.
if there is a doomsday for me, i believe it might be my ptm this time round.
i haven't do my portfolio at all, die. :(
i wish i can just, fly away.

---

the day came.
i finally see you.
i never want to see you again but God just made this happen.
i always thought that i will go bonkers if this day will ever come.
but it is just so amazing that i feel nothing at all.
this is not so scary after all, isn't it?
i am delighted, very delighted.
God, thank you for your divine intervention. :)
it must be you :)
i have gotten over you totally, i hope :)
though you have never left my mind but i guess i have already successfully chase you out of my heart :)
i overcame my fear of seeing you, just like that.

but one thing i can never fathom is how two very close people can be this distant.
i really feel like you are a stranger and i couldn't remember how it feels like to have you close.

THE ANSWER WAS ALREADY MADE KNOWN, LONG AGO.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011 / 12:51 AM

我想，我是真的爱上你了。

SO NEAR, YET SO FAR

Saturday, April 23, 2011 / 2:14 AM

My life is great :)
these pictures are just a small part of my life...
my first staying overnight to mug in changi airport, my first 7.5km run... and many more!

i blog for the sake of blogging, because i felt that it has been a long time since i updated.
i am always wondering who would be reading this cause i try not to give people my blog add because i don't want people to read and poke their noses in my affair.
you know that i do not appreciate that.

my life has been revolving a lot around work and school.
get a life, woman!
but i am seriously thankful for the people that God placed around me to keep me going.

talking about God, i always feel a pinch in my heart.
i have been really neglecting Him.
i cannot even remember when is the last time i attended LG.
i attended service about once a month in average.
sigh, nothing to be proud of, i am ashamed... really.

met up with some people here and there....
seriously appreciate them truck loads!

regarding the affair in my heart...
we have already talked things out together.
though words has already been uttered, but i am still in the confusion state.
but i will wait, wait till we are ready.
if God open another door for us, why not?

i can't help but to feel childish.
i actually got upset over little things.
i cannot remember ever since when did you have such weight-age in my heart.
i don't want to expect too much, i will ended up in disappointments.
you said you love the way we are right now...
i do not know what you mean, but i did not ask a single thing about it.
you said you fear asking me to wait, i assumed that you wanted me to wait but afraid of the uncertainties.
how accurate is my assumption? i have no idea.
you said if it's God's plan, He will bring us together....
this sentence is fair enough, so i shall see...
if we are meant to be together.
cause y'know what?
i seriously cannot visualize us being together.
it is such a .... weird feeling.

but no doubt, you stands a special place in my heart :)

MAY:
$800 into my bank!
12km passion run! my first Marathon!
assignments datelines!
portfolios!

THAT LONG LOST PRECIOUS SMILE ON HER FACE :)

Friday, January 28, 2011 / 4:07 PM