BY AND BY.
Friday, July 31, 2009 / 11:32 AM
i wonder if it's okay to make foolish decision like this at times.
haha.. i skipped lesson because of some lame thing.
oh well, i am kinda disappointed with myself though.
we were taught to expect more, because it gives us hope.
we were taught to wait upon, when hope is still way far out.
i think, to be able to wait upon patiently when hope seems far is a virtue; it's surely something that i lack, now.
sometimes i would rather not expect, rather not have hope.
or sometimes, i would rather not taste the good too.
that's because i fear disappointments and usually disappointments come when i expect or pin hope.
that's also because, i will get greedy when i have tasted the good, i wouldn't know what's bad when i have no idea what's good.
the worse kind of fall usually comes when you are at your peak.
i always tend to forget and happily climb my way up to the peak; before i know anything, i fell once again.
and this is the time when i recalled that i actually told myself to know where i should stand, not to get away with it; to trust, to believe or to be too happy with anything.
did i just thought that things are getting better? little did i expect disappointments come knocking at my door this fast.
but to think about it, if there's no expectations or hopes in life, there wouldn't be any purpose of living anymore.
so tell me, should i still expect or pin hope on things that drained me while waiting or should i give up and stop draining myself?
which is better, to expect and to be tired or not to expect and to be less tired?
though choice.
but yuppp, on the positive note.. never give up in hope is surely one way to keep going in life (:
if you were to ask me what exactly i am so afraid to expect and pin hope on...
i would say.. people.
hah, myself and the people around me.
come on, let me be very honest here...
myself and the people around me are the greatest source of my disappointments.
human beings (including myself) have their ways to knock me down eh?
oh well, the match hasn't end yet.. it's still early to determine the winner.
but hey, i should know my limit.. before my heart turns cold.
THE WORLD IS MY STAGE.
/ 1:34 AM
in life, we are playing different roles in different people's life.
say for example, you might be THE world in someone's life but on the other hand, you can just be a random passer by A in another's life.
there are various roles that i ought to play; to some people, my role ain't important at all but however to some, my role means a lot to them.
i am pretty sure what is the weightage i have in the circles of people that i am invloved with; be it in a big way or the other.
on the other hand, different people plays different roles in my life too.
some simply means nothing to me, but some have the ability to influence my decision or to manipulate my emotions and the list goes on.
there are too many people who wants to know about my life and to listen to my story.
some did this out of responsibility, some out of their busy-body-ness and some, out of love, care and concern.
i really appreciate my friends who sincerly love and care about me, they surely did make a difference in my life.
people are usually the number one concern when i have to make a decision.
sometimes, i got really tired of this as well.
hah, but i know.. life is more than myself, right?
as much as i strive to play my role well in all of your lives, i would want to have a balance too.
ultimately, playing my role well as the the child of God should be my top priority. (:
i have come to a point of life where i realised, everyone's living in denial.
oh well, i got the inspiration from jency as well.
haha.
alright, i seriously agree with this and i can't deny that i am one of them.
people enter and exit through the door of your life.
how many people and who are actually the one that stays and not find their way out?
people can only enter into your life as far as you allow them to.
ting, who can you blame when you've set so much, so much boundaries?
is the excuse of no one will understand, they will still end up preching the usual stuffs that i already knew or i can't and don't know how to voice out still valid?
sometimes, i don't like people to know too much about me is because, i don't want to be responsible after i told them everything and also, i don't want them to be responsible for me too.
i have tried to be frank, to be honest... but all i got in return is a stronger conviction not to share too deep or too much in the future.
irony, heh?
i hope that people wouldn't come to me and tell me they love me when they are not prepared to be responsible for what they've promised.
i hate people who made promises or say the words and then take them back.
there are certainly a few friends whom i know they love and care.
and i am thankful for them!! (:
it's not your fault, it's mine.
it's me who can't pass the test of being transparent and honest about myself.
withdraw, withdraw.
on the lighter note..
i am glad that i have met up with jency and christine today!!
hey, thank you for being so concern with my life and it's deeply appreciated (:
with you girls, i know that i am never alone (:
thanks! xD
and i am very worried about what am i going to do after my graduation! ):
and i am so not looking forward to my tomorrow.
sigh, i seriously find life is so meaningless like that.
always in the routine of having blues and stuff.
God, i need joy in my life like seriously!
if God were to love people through people...
then some people just protayed God's love in a real lousy manner.
shit those people.
if i am evil enough.. i will name all those people out.
but i shouldn't!
that's all folks.
public relations class again, argh.
i don't even know my classmates ):
GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON.
Sunday, July 26, 2009 / 6:03 PM
hello world.
i apologized for being so emotional these days.
if you HAPPEN to worry, i am sorry.
if not, then it's fine.
hahaha.
i just felt unappreicated at times.
but yuppps, i guess it's time for me to stop living in my own world.
i can't find joy or any meaning in whatever i am doing or ought to do in the future, still.
but no matter what, i know in times like this, sticking to God will never be a wrong choice.
oh well, i am tired to live for anyone already.
i guess, it's time for me to lead my own kind of life.
i dislike living in the approval of people, dislike being emotional attached too.
that's because not only i will hurt the people with my insensivity, i will hurt myself big time too...
living for the audience of one.
how true is that.
many times, i made decisions to move on but i failed.
because never once, i am convicted about my decision nor my stand is firm.
somehow, i might still fail this time round too; the decision of moving on without you.
sigh, what am i suppose to do?
i have every reasons to hate, to be bitter about anything and everything.
i have every reasons to quit and just vanish.
but i simply have no reasons not to move on in life and hurt myself this much.
most importantly, the last thing that i wanna see is that me hurting people because i am hurt.
if i choose not to move on and choose to stuck in this cycle again, you will be hurt.
Lord, give me the strength to be firm in what i have decided.
---
i will be having steamboat with my two sheep tmr! (:
hope nothing goes wrong, if not i will kill myself already!
hahahaha.
btw, this is so interesting...
my name is
shi ting, melody's
shi hui and joanne's
shi min.
heh, the three of us have similar names! <3s
---
i don't know where to go and what to do after graduation.
i am moving on to the next phase of my life soon.
scary!
just a few months before graduation.. oh my oh my.
SAY IT ISN'T SO.
Saturday, July 25, 2009 / 4:37 AM
yes, i have no idea why blooger is this cui...
apparentely, i am typing in a small box living in a messy website.
oh well, i shall put do with it then -.-"
---
once again... i have no idea how or what to begin with...
but yes, life has been really hectic for me.
but again, it's not because of fyp or maybe any kind of stress that i might be going through; frankly, i myself do not understand why i define my current life as hectic.
but yes, i just feel this way.
i am hopping that i am not just being emotional or what... but ting is really tired.
y'know, life can be so so meaningless at times.
i even begin to question my existance on this earth.
sigh, i am just so reluctant to do anything and everything.
ting has lost herself along the way and she can't seem to find herself back.
she awfully miss herself so much but she doesn't have the strength to find herself back anymore.
maybe the issue or concern is not about finding herself back anymore, but it's more of how to develop herself to be better from here.
i have given so much, so much.
but what i received was just disappointments.
i have so much, so much to say...
but all i got is tongue tied.
i simply do not know how to express in a way that people will understand what i truely wanted.
do you know how frustrated i am when i fail to express and end up making things worse?
i can no longer be logical, i can no longer keep my mind sane.
i know the rules of the game very well, yes i do.
but i doesn't seem to play by the rules or rather, i can't play by the rules.
i am so stuck, i want to get out of everything but i am stuck.
it's just so painful inside me.
i have never been this insulted before.
i have never been rejected this hard before.
i have never swollowed or rather, force my pride down my throat this much before.
i have never love like this before.
i have gave so much, but i wonder if i would ever be appreciated.
i know myself well...
i know my flaws even better.
i know and i know..
but what am i suppose to do with them?
i have never felt like this before.
never felt this hurt before.
if that person whom i deemed the most important and closest with can even hurt me with words of anger, den who am i suppose to turn to right now?
the truth simply hurt and i wonder if i will ever recover.
if that person whom i confide in the most can't seem to communicate with me well, then what am i suppose to do?
you people said that you want to know me better, you want to be my listening ear..
so people, if i am willing to share everything, will you guys not judge and listen as who i am?
so you want me to be honest, but when i am honest, things just go the unexpected direction.
so what now?
sigh.
the worse thing is that you know what is the right thing to do and yet, you can't do it.
why is that things seem so easy for you when i gotta take tons and tons of determination to acheive them?
i am not doubting anything, but myself.
i doubt myself for being an ideal friend that you and i wanted.
the temptation of hiding and vanish is so so great.
what is love, who is love?
if i am truely loved, why am i still broken?
i wish i could just point fingers at the whole world and not take responsibility over myself, but i can't.
the people whom i love and treasure... became my greatest source of pain.
so tell me, what is there to live for now?
i miss my daddy in heaven...
i know he will be there collecting my tears and walk through the valley with me.
but daddy, come and save me now.
i am so damn painful.
i don't want to struggle or survive here anymore.
i am so tired of faking my smile daily, i am so tired.
i can't seem to cling on to whatever i am clinging on now.
not God, not my sunshine, not my lovely ex leaders who claims to love me, not anyone.
you have no idea how badly i am hurt.
you have no idea what i have become.
you have no idea that what i need now is not more painful turths from you.
and, you have no idea that i actually understand your pains.
you've to understand and listen to what i am
not saying.
God, save me.
maybe it's time for me to lead my own life and not to be a burden to you.
if not, at least... not to stress you.
it's painful to understand that my sacrifice is your joy robber.
i'll learn to let go (:
i've chocked you too tight.
freedom is without, ting.
say it isn't so.
i will believe, because you said so.
TIRED EXHAUSTED WEARY DISTRESSED OVERTAXED - whatever you name it.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 / 3:29 PM
have you even been in a stage where you are just tired about anything and everything; and yet, you have no idea what and why exactly you are tired.
i guess it's all in the mind.
and i wonder and wonder... why is that so?
have you ever been through a stage where you just don't feel like doing anything when you have thousand and one things undone?
you will just feel restless and lethargic the whole day thinking you are so damn bored when you can or should actually do something.
have you ever?
oh well, my menses finally came after 40 days!
and y'know, when you have your menses, you will be just so.. fatigue.
and i am having a BAD CRAMP!
hey mind you, this menses would be a hardgoing one for me..
it came only after FORTY days okays!!
as y'know me.. i used to have problem having menses too frequent like 14 days once.. and after medication and all... it became 21 days... and 21 days is consider short for a cycle..
but very rare like now.. 40 days!
yeah and boo at the same time (:
maybe... it's simply just my accumulated 2 months pms.
that's why.
HAHAHAHA.
6TH ANNIVERSARY WITH JESUS (:
Monday, July 20, 2009 / 12:01 PM
it has been six years (:
haha, not too long, not too short..
i am anticipating to our 10th!! xD
another year has past...
it's fast, very fast.
from the 19th of July 2008 to 19th July 2009, i can say that there's a drastic change in this one short year.
i wonder if this one year can be considered as fruitful or simply unproductive.
sadly, this is not a year that i can be proud of nor i can happily wish myself and Jesus a happy 6th anniversary.
maybe, just maybe one day... i will find this one year a most meaningful one because i have went through much, i have grown much. (:
i hope that this day will come; because i know that there's nothing we're put to go through by the Lord is of no purpose (:
but all in all... no matter good or bad..
i thank God for bringing me so far..
for showing grace to me and mature me this much. (:
i will love Jesus forever (:
once again, happy anniversary! (:
* i've actually thought of what to blog, but they played truant from my brain, thus... i can't contact them by any means.
till here then.. when i found them, i'll update again!! (provided if i really bother to) ;)
SLEEP TILL THE COW COME HOME!
Friday, July 17, 2009 / 2:06 AM
yes, my title is actually my current desire now.
i am so tired, so tired.
hahahaha.
i was suppose to finish my part on the report today...
but yeah, i couldn't take it anymore...
my brain's ain't working already.
they shut down and prolly complaining about why is there no OT pay given when they always work OT?
hohoho.
yeaps, just update for fun!
hahahaa.
good night folks.
pray for my recovery, a speedy one sweeties!
thank you in advance! ^^
LET ME LEAN ON YOU (:
Thursday, July 16, 2009 / 1:21 AM
my mouth has been giving me loads of uncomfort recently.
first, i
have to remove my wisdom tooth.
trust me, if i were to give you one wisest advice,
do not remove your wisdom tooth if there is not a need to!oh crap, the pain that you have to go through is more than what you can imagine..
what about the pain from the cut of four sides of your gums, what about the swollened face and etc?
hohoho.
second, my left side of my chin lost it's senses! (again, all thanks to the extraction of wisdom tooth)
third, after sometime... my upper left gum experienced unbearable pain..
the people around me can witness that.. and till now.. God knows what the hell is going on with my that side of the gum.
forth, my gums bleed more and more frequently now, for no reasons.
last but not the least.. from the picture below...
the part where it says "tonsil" is damn painful.
it's red, swollen and it has an ulcer on it!
ouch.. it would be such a pain when you have ulcer on your gum.. not to mention to have it in such strategic place like the tonsils?
it affects me alot ): (eat, speak, drink and everything!)
GOD, heal me.. will you?
---
enough of my mouth..
let's talk about something else...
y'know that when you do things based on your very own strength, you'll experience a burned out?
that's where unbearable stress and frequent thoughts of rising the white flag come at your door knocking.
as for me, it's all small matters that i am experiencing now...
but it's just that i am kind of fed up and having the urge to hide in my own turtle shell and not face the world.
but definitely, i'll not do that. (:
i think it's just a frustration and draining thing when you have to always accommodate to someone elses; y'know it would be a so total different story if both parties compromised.
it's also a waery thing that when you realised you're the only one giving ; in another word, give without having any reciprocal responses.
i guess, that's because i haven been relying on God's strength.
and yupp, this is my application for the rest of my life.
it's easy to just let it slip off my mind, but i pray that God will always be there to nudge me with a gentle reminder when i need it, yo! (:
not only strength, nuggets of wisdom is what i need most now, too.
---
i am really convicted about one should be responsible of his/her own life!
even to the extent that i am so damn angry about it.
hahaha.
holy anger, i supposed xD
look, i have already given more than what i can afford to; trying to accommodate with your WANTS.
but enough is enough, this is not your playground.
you come to serve, not to be served, darling.
i cannot stand it when people are taking God's people for granted.
they expect the church to be exciting and suiting their wants and needs but yet they do nothing about it.
sitting down and warm their ass on the seats, pointing fingers at how sucky the system and people are and yet, doing nothing about it.
giving negative comments and tearing people down in speech, yet have no freaking intention to help them improve.
okay.. so what now?
hey people, you are so going to be responsible over your life, especially your eternal life.
hello, to grow or not to grow, it's your decision!!
there is nothing to do with anyone else. (yes, we do play an important role, but when we played our role to our best, will you respond and appreciate it?)
i don't see why we should beg people, hey there... what do we have to gain?
all these we are doing for YOUR PRECIOUS ETERNAL LIFE!
if you are not serious about your relationship or commitment to God, den you simply ain't serious about your very own eternal life.
i am so freaking tired to keep begging people, trying to accommodate to what thety expects, crack my brain and stressed up over someone that is not even serious about their eternal lives.
hey look, its another different story again if that person is genuine about it; i will be more than willing to give everything to see them grow, but sadly, this ain't the case YET.
get this right, this is not an excuse for us to slack and not to make effort to connect the new believers.
i am referring to those freaking people who are in church for god damn long, listen and experienced God and knows the values and yet choose to take everything for granted.
got it?
hey this is your life.i am responsible in guiding you, create a better environment for you to grow, to do my best for you, to pray for you and many more.
but i am NEVER responsible for your eternal life.
come on, grow up and treasure what is important.
nothing else can last in the world, who gives a damn if you are popular among people or not.
they cant be always there for you, or can they even meet your inmost needs and can they give you your eternal life?
be mature and come to understand that only God will be loyal to you FOREVER and you need only God!
i am so totally cannot tolerate people who takes the church and God himself for granted ):
okay, i am fully aware that i ain't perfect either.
infact, i am like the greatest sinner of all.
but darlings, don't take all these that are given to you with grace for granted okay.
Jesus bought the church with His blood, this is something you can't play or fool around with.
be serious, especially when it comes to God.
---
i am sorry if i am being overly direct here.
it's getting late now.
good night world! xD
Friday, July 10, 2009 / 3:17 PM
WEEKENDS' APPROACHING!Public relations today is hard going for me...
oh wait, to think about it, not really hard going hard going, but slightly hard going.
hahahahaha, it's fine.. if you get it, you get it. =D
but it's alright, weekends' coming.. weekends' coming!! xD
having final year project later, but i have no blues about it; because i am simply glad that thursday's over! (:
many things are seriously disturbing me.
sigh, i have no idea how and where to begin expressing them out.
but no problem, ting has her ways to EXPRESS! hahaha.
anyhow, that person who suppose / ought to care (as known from the title) ain't caring at all...
this pissed me really hard.
crap, why hold that title when you are contradicting it.
blah blah blah blah blah blah...
haha, candace became my venting tool today!!
just click on that rabbit on msn and here i go typing and typing, complaning and complaning...
thanks babe.. (:
CANDACE ROCKS!
hahahaa xD
however, there are things that i am looking forward too! (:
okay, i am here to kill time, if you realised.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009 / 3:50 PM
WHAT SHOULD I TITLE THIS? -fyp?
i stayed over at my friend's place last night to chiong report.
hahaha, as expected.. it's kinda cui.
lols.
but i had fun though (:
quite a number of funny incidents and i am pretty supprised that i can actually feel so comfortable there. (:
i really thank God for this, it must be Him (:
now i can fully understand the reason behind the betrayal and all..
hah, i am kind of thankful that i was backstabbed then, cause i really think that i will really suffer loads in my previous team. (:
ida was not camwhoring with us cause she was out talking on the phone (:yes, i bought my sua sua and bobo to the overnight. HAHAand PS: this is just one photo out of the many we took! -.-i truely can't help but to agree with this; God will not allow anyone to hurt His kids.
i am not saying all these gloatingly (please trust me), the one that backstabbed me was outcasted by her team mates due to some clashes.
hah, got what i mean?
---
someone once told me that he will bring me out to have fun when i am stressing over my fyp...
hahaha, i just recalled that when i was walking home.
truthfully, i am not missing anything or yearning for that promise to come to pass...
however, i felt really wasted that a friendship would windup with such tragic ending...
if i were to choose again, i MIGHT still be his friend, but this time round, i will build it in a blameless way.
haha, but i guess it's pretty impossible for him, because if he were to think like me, yearning for a pure friendship, he wouldn't start or initiate this friendship in the first place.
hah, this friendship is bound to have tragic ending like this; what a pity.
---
i must not take it for granted that everytime when i press the
'stop' button, you will figure your way to the
'play' button again ; i must not take it for granted that everytime when i utter the word
'quit', you'll hold me back and unwind my decision.
thank you for treasuring me, my faithful friend (:
---
Caregroup, Joanne's dinner and Test tomorrow.
urggh, i somehow have that
'butterfly in my stomach' feeling.
Oh Lord, please simply bless my day tomorrow...
thank you in advance! =D
Tuesday, July 7, 2009 / 1:01 AM
I AM SO DEAD.sigh...
it seem like it will take me forever to be healed ):
i want to be healthy mann!
how i wish rp will just close the school, so that i can just stay at home ):
despite me disliking e-learning, i would rather just do with the e-learning.
i am so screwed, i just realised that i have a test tomorrow.
ah, heck care already...
don't wana study ):
see how it goes tomorrow!!
rahh, i am so drowsy now.
it seems like there are so many things undone.
gotta stay overnight at my friend's house to chiong report..
and i am so sick. (both in the physical and in the mind)
i am so damn, reluctant. =/
Saturday, July 4, 2009 / 3:06 AM
GRATEFUL HEART (:i am surely not a good steward of money ):
oh my, i thought that i will be rich when july comes, but ...
hahahaha, oh mann...
i guess, daily job alert web page will be my favorite nowadays.
rahhh.
sometimes, i foolishly wish that there are simply no rules for everything.
or... there ain't consequences to every wrong things done.
ohh, i know it's foolish and dumb.
(:
never mind..
i guess, what will come, will eventually come.
nothing i can do to avoid anything.
it's either true freedom from God or my kind of freedom; doing whatever i like.
giving up any of them ain't my cup of tea, but i know that making the right choice is what i need.
doing what is right is never comfortable.
oh mann.
haha, for once, how i wish i exist in teletubbies land.
or, also for once, how i wish i am that retarded ignorant kid.
but yeah, ignorance is not a bliss, hah.
yeap, always give thanks with a grateful heart. (:
Wednesday, July 1, 2009 / 5:19 AM
SICK BODY, RESTORED MIND AND SOUL (:ting is sick, i wouldnt say i am very sick.. but quite sick i supposed ):
oh well... if "not again...?" just went through your mind... please repent now and have some compasison on me!! ):
hahahaha.
honestly, i feel really horrible now.
i can't sleep for nuts because i cant breathe well for nuts.
you guys should know the horrible feeling of getting a cold, right?
not H1N1... though my school has like 67 confirm cases of H1N1, but i am not that sway kid alright?
LOL!
ting enjoyed her today loads. <3s
i enjoyed my cg earlier on...
oh well, i hope the rest enjoyed too though. (:
ting enjoyed her meeting with joanne!! <3s
it's really amazing how God brought us together as shepherd and sheep, or rather, friends! (:
and lastly, ting enjoyed meeting her beloved jerel and jency!! <3s
HAHAHAHAHA.
jerel drove us around and we had supper and tea at two different places.
oh mannn, jerel rocks!
ting loves jerel! (:
ehhh, love jerel as a friend, a childhood friend in church, need me to explain more?
haha.
okay, i sound like a kid mann.
oh well...
i am glad that i can still enjoy this much with my sick body.
i have random thoughts... really random ones.
i was thinking.. how many of your friends actually knows you deeply?
how many of your friends actually knows the real you?
but to think about it, it's good not to know too much, i suppose?
ting spent the whole day with many kind of friends..
but it's more of catch up after such looonnggg time..
didnt spent much time with my closest.
haha, feels weird though.
but i shall look forward to tmr (:
it feels really good to have catch ups with friends that we doesnt meet that often..
but i guess it feels better to have a person that you can meet constantly, not just updating about lives but doing lives together...
having someone to go through life with you, being there always and not missing out anything from your life.
it's hard to find, but it's not impossible (:
i guess i have one, i hope you guys will have one too (:
it's almost 6am in the morning now...
and i can't sleep.
because my head is too painful for me to sleep well ):
ps: candace is still chatting with me on msn!!
she is another weirdo that doesnt sleep.
wahahahahaha!!! (:
i love chatting with her too!
oh mannn...
pray that i will be healed soon.
you know... it's a sin to cough and sneeze now, ESP IN RP! =/
oh, did i mention that God healed my dumb/mute lappy?
it can make some sound already!!
wooot!
1. tings charis
