1. tings charis
2. 黄詩婷
3. 19th September 1988
4. 23 years old
5. Pre-school Teacher
6. Hope Church Singapore
7. tingscharis@gmail.com


Greetings,
ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
tings is really very proud to have you in her humble cyber world.
before you turn the door knob and enter into her world,
you may want to take a small note on what she is going to say here...

keep your fingers to yourself, do not judge.
tings is fully aware that this ain't behind any closed door
and hence, what you read is not what she is, totally.
read and go, do not make any conclusions on your own.
mere concerns are appreciated, anything beyond that line are not welcomed.

have grace and mercy upon her
she is indeed not as good as you think.

sign off, tings charis :)




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© Layout: AmericanRoyalty
Color codes: xoxo
Inspirations: the chemistry skin/hm & paranoid/*éf

DEDICATED TO

YOURWILL

hey world!
today's my 7th anniversary with Jesus! :)
i am very happy and proud about it... :)

i remember when i was younger, whenever my spiritual birthday came, i would always ask God where is my birthday present?
hahahaa.... and i always imagine that God has prepared one every 19th July and keep them in the heaven...
when i can meet Him face to face, He will give me all my presents!
but this year, i am not going to ask God for any presents....
but i would want to ask God...
Hey God, what would you like me to give you in this anniversary?

i am overwhelmed by God's grace in my life.
probably because i have went through alot.
but without all these, i wouldnt understand whats is the real definition of God's grace.
i know that lessons in life can be learnt through others' mistakes and you don't have to experience the pain to learn a lesson.
but maybe because i am not that smart, i learn many  lessons the hard way.

i am very touch when my friends remember my spiritual birthday and wishes me with their most sincere heart.
thank you and i promise that i will finish this race, victoriously.
but i am kinda disappointed that i have one special friend that didn't remember my special day...
this is the 3rd time in the row that this person forgot.
but this year, i am not going to expect much because it doesn't matter so much to me now.
:)

if you were to ask me, what is the most precious thing in my life?
i would say, its my relationship with God.
because through God, i experience love.
through God, i experience joy and peace.
and because of God, i am protected and i can stand up after every hard falls.
God gave me a meaning in life and from now on, i will not do things that God doesn't give me the permission to.
i will try to control and be obedience.

Friends, i am seldom churchy infront of all of you.
but as your friend, i believe that the only way for me not to lose you is that you will join God's family.
then with this, we can really be friends for eternity...
so if you have not consider God, please do.
i know my life is not the best example to portray God's goodness,
but trust me.... allowing Jesus to be in my life is the best decision that i have ever made in my lifetime.
i pray that you will allow Jesus to your heart and experience what is true love and your heart will never be empty anymore.
because i love you as a friend, i sincerely hope to see you coming to heaven with me.
please consider Jesus :)

---

ting, you have to grow up...
stop holding onto things that doesn't and cannot belongs to you.
follow Joseph's example...
He was sold as a slave by his brothers, he wasn't in control of everything...
but he never blames and because of his attitude, God was with him and he prospered.
ting, you are always blaming life, blaming the people who let you down...
you should start counting your blessings.
though its true that you are hurt, its true that your family is broken, its true that the one you truely love is not there for you anymore,,,
but there is no point being bitter and not move on.
you want to be successful and to get rid of all these scary monster of loneliness and pains right?
you want to stop crying to bed almost everyday right?
then ting, let go and start counting your blessings....
ting, you are planned to be joyful, planned to be the most happiest person on earth.
you are God's princess, remember?
you can do great things for God, you are His dedicated child.
you are have many people around you that loves you and treasure you.
so ting, life is not as scary, life is not suppose to be this lonely.
you are actually very blessed.

thank you Jesus.
give me an avenue to serve you and get my hands dirty in your field. :)


















A short conversation with my annoying friend (HAHAHA) over texts trigger my thoughts.
this thought has been always in my mind but it somehow got alive today.

shall i name myself a walking corpse or one soulless body?
it has been a long time since i felt alive and i almost forgot how it feels to be alive.
its like an empty shell, a crack one.
it seems like even if i were to be run down by a huge truck, i will not feel any pain.
my nerves are dead?
nah, i beg to differ.
its just that there is nothing in this world could be more painful than the torment in my heart.

but no worries folks, i am trying hard, damn hard to pursue my own desired kind of life.
i secretly made a vow in my heart that i will never, never allow anybody to take control of me.
its torturing not to be in control of your life.
i will grab the key of my life back from the one that doesn't appreciate it and keep it in a high quality fireproof safe box, so that no one would never, ever have the key to my life / heart.

i cannot remember when is my first exposure of friendship / relationship...
but i cannot deny that many came straight to my face pin pointing my indifference kind of attitude towards friendship.
and i have to admit that i seldom invest and i couldnt care less, most of the time.
hah, i am not proud of it...
i do not have many friends in my life...
acquaintances who hangs around with me, play and have fun with me... i have many of them... friends, nope.
but hey people, i am not you...
i do not have the courage to hand over my key so that you can enter the home of my heart.
what if you come in and decided that this is not a place that you should stay?
what would happen to me?
it's not that i don't want to care, but i felt that no one can handle me and no one can help me.
how much can you understand me when i can't even express myself well?

it's not as if i didn't try handing over my key to someone...
but it ended up with pains and loneliness.
till now, i still haven got the full control of everything yet.
my emotions, my thoughts and even my life is still revolving this person.
it is so so heart wrenching and i have decided to find my keys back... back to the original owner and thats none other than myself.
i take control of my life and i decide my emotions and thoughts.
argh, its as hard as landing my feet on the moon but it is not something impossible.
i wouldnt say that i won't hand this key to anyone in my lifetime again...
i would, if you are willing for me to risk.

so folks, leave me alone and quit asking me how am i really.
if you don't want me to lie, then don't ask.
because i will never answer you the truth.

i am very contented with Jesus in my life and my annoying bestie.
and hopefully, the one that will come around with his white horse, sent by God to spend the rest of his life with  me :)
other than that, i swear that i will NEVER allow anyone to take control of my being, my poor wounded being.
after i got back my keys back from the one that is still holding onto it... i believe that the original tings would be back.
hah, i was reminded why in the past i refused to open up...
two years ago, i forgotten about it and lower my guards down, but rest assured, i remember it now and i am on my guards again.

till then, thats all folks.

---

Your grace will set me free.

My heart used to resemble a condemned property. 
Oh, i kept a fresh coat of paint over it so that no one would know, but i knew it was a wreck on the inside. 
I even turned the sign over on the other side and wrote: Fun Person Who Has It All Together ... As Long As You Keep Your Distance And Don't Look Closely.


---


I cant explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved on
It gets so hard to walk away


I guess I gotta live my life from day to day
Hoping maybe you'll come back
And though I tell myself not to be afraid
To move on but it seems I cant.


---


I have no idea what exactly is going on in me...
i hope that it is just my hormones are playing a prank on me, but apparently, it is obviously more than that.
sigh, all i ask now is... 
God please take away all my anxieties, for i know you care for me.
as i took my break during work today, i went to the toilet to pray...
i prayed first for my headache... i asked God to heal my head so that i can give my best to the children today...
secondly, i told God that my heart feels really heavy, i asked him if He could help to cast all these away.
help me to feel better :(
i am glad that i prayed and entrust them into God's hands...
for i know, God will work something out for me :)


pardon me if you caught me in the daze again and again.
i really don't feel good, and i can't explain why.
physically i am sick, mentally i am tired, emotionally, i am drained.
it was said that our physical body, our mental and emotions and also, our spiritual being are all connected together...
one will affect the other very much.
no wonder i am damn sick recently.
Doctor Jesus, come and heal me, please. :)


God, please walk through everything with me.
I need you :)
thank you!

i am homed this early today...
simply because i am not in the mood to hang around somewhere.

i feel horrible.
if i am making the right decision to withdraw and retreat once again...
then why am i feeling this painful and horrible?

i really do not know what should i do, to be affected lesser.
i need help, badly. :(










when i was in my primary school, i used to stay in a three storey high semi-D...
i remember that the house was big and beautiful. :)
but we only stayed there for about half a year and we moved out.
my parents love this house too, i mean who doesn't love staying in a big house like that?
but the house was too expensive for my parents to support and they cant help it but to sell it away.

sometimes in life, you forgo something or even throw away something that you love and treasure so much...
not because you don't want them, but its you cant have them.
just that my parents loved the house, but they cant own it as they cannot afford to.
in the same way, i throw away something i love so much because i have too much on my plate to handle this.
i have zero confidence that i will do a great job and thus, i chose the 'not-so-easy' way out, to leave.
i cross my heart and swear that i would want to keep this very much, very very much.....
i don't want to throw, i want to have it...
but i can't, i just can't.
it's too painful for me to have it, and when i am in pain, i inflict pain into the thing i  treasure so much too...
so how is it possible for me to clutched my fist so hard and not let go?
i don't want to inflict pain into this precious thing in the future.

so, i have to wipe my tears and move on without this precious.
i will control myself damn hard, so that i won't turn back for a second look.
sigh.

---

i once own an orange cat. :)
this cat wasn't initially mine but it somehow came into my house.
i love this cat alot, and i decided to keep her.
the cat loves me and i love the cat!
being the owner of the cat, i gave my best to it and invested lots of time and love into it.
it needs me and it doesn't wants to leave me at all :)

many times, i have the intention to ditch this cat despite loving it so much.
reason being cause i know that she wasn't originally mine and i would want to return her to her rightful owner...
but again and again, i failed...
simply because i really cannot bring myself to part with her.
awwww.

one day, my beloved orange cat decided to leave my house.
i was so upset and all day long, i did nothing but to wait for her, hoping that she will find her way home again.
but for cat being a cat, they are very individualistic and independent.
they don't have to rely on anyone.
i am not needed anymore :(
i tried my best to have my kitty back to my home but it refuses.
sometimes she will still stroll around my house but the sad thing is, it never enters into my house again.

so now, i have lost this cat for life already.
this cat is very different from me.
i believe that we think differently and our perspective of love is very different.
so we ended up parted and i can never own her again.

bye orange cat, you know that your owner miss you and loves you.
you know that you are forever special and important to me.
so orange cat, i hope that you will find a better owner that knows how to take care of you better than me and you will find someone who knows how to love you, the way you wanted.

i am very comfortable with this cat of mine.
i can be who i am and naturally, my mask would be removed upon seeing her.
i doubt i can find such a good cat in my lifetime again and i know i have lost something i need, something i love and something very important to me.
but if cat is happier without me, then why should i stop her from finding a new owner that can truly make her happy?
hah, my dear cat.... promise me that you will do better :)

now, i have decided not to own any more cats to avoid new wounds.

---

i am fearful of being left all alone with my thoughts.
indeed, very fearful.

she is having a headache now.

she is also having a heartache now.

she think and think, she wonder and wonder...

day in, day out.

even when she sleeps, she dreamt of it.

she is going bonkers, she ain't feeling too well.

she wait and wait, and then got disappointed again and again.

she understands but never really understood.

she smiles but wasn't really happy.

she can't figure out what's the best for her.

none of the option is painless.

so, she has now compromised into choosing the less painful one.

she doesn't comprehend why she has to give in so much till this extent.

why is she the only one suffering from all these.

she even question herself, is there a need to even suffer?

kind souls, please kindly answer her doubts.

to stay or to go?

which is less painful for her?