MISS NG SHI TING OR SOME SAY, PRINCESS TING =D
Friday, October 30, 2009 / 2:55 AM
i have a friend.
some call her tingting, the closer ones, tings.
for the not so close ones, shi ting and for those who are smart, princess ting.
HAHA.
allow me to introduce my precious friend to you.
will you be interested to read on?
she button her lips up because she doesn't know how to express in order to be fully understood.
when she spoke her heart, she would be hurt when she realised that no one could comprehend.
and thus, as time goes by... she would rather keep the pains to herself to prevent further hurts when no one seem to be in the same frequency as herself.
she hides and wore a mask not because she fear judgement or giving a damn at how people view her.
but rather, she wants to avoid uninvited attention to herself.
she felt really uncomfortable with many pretending to care when they couldn't even tune their heartbeat with her's.
until she is confident that you really does care and you promise not to ask more than enough questions, she will remove her mask and show herself to you.
she smiles even when her heart is bleeding because she's afraid of people asking how is she really.
this is simply because she will never know the answer at all.
she would love to be heard, to express and to be cared and comforted.
but somehow or rather, comforts from random people makes her feel really awkward.
she seem to be a different person in blog not because she is acting to be emo.
she just want to express herself through words, since she suffer badly from being tongue tied.
but she will try to be really positive in her mind! (:
she does talk to people about herself..
she does randomly tell people about how she's feeling...
she expressed her anger, her happiness, her disappointments and all her emotions.
but she is ashame to say that... no one other than God has fully heard her complete version of everything.
she is sorry to say that what you guys heard are just the mere 10% of everything.
and guess what, if she is able to share something, she is usually not THAT / VERY affected actually... just a little, maybe?
what's really affecting her, she doesnt share.. at all or once again, just a little.. maybe?
not that she doesnt trust..
but she thinks that it's a kind of freedom for herself not to reveal too much.
if she reveals too much, many eyes will be set on her.. this is what she hates.
"ting, are you feeling better? are you okay?" yada yada..
expect to hear "yeah i am okay" from her.. because she wants to avoid trouble to explain why is she not or to surprise you that she took such a long time to be healed.
there are people whom she really wants to pour everything to.
there are people whom she wants to tell them.. "hey i am not okay, i am feeling horrible now..."
she wants to share her story in full version to someone, if not she will die of being too oppressed.
no one, no one knows what exactly happen...
why she blogged certain stuffs, why is she so emo.. why she ended up in where she is now..
do you know what has happened to her?
she fear that when she shared...
people would be disappointed..
she was so afraid to hurt people or to stumble people.
she has no idea what to do to save the poor souls from being upset but yet being able to express fully.
she somehow felt that people are expecting much from her.
wondering why i am blogging this for my friend today?
because she has been thinking through and she told me that she has decided to share her story to one or two person...
this is so that she will not be this depressed.
she need some time to do so though..
but she doesn't know who to choose, who would be the one knowing everything and yet wouldn't counsel her and giving her advices that she doesnt need.
just listen and trust that she knows what to do, understand that she did think hard and not just being rash...
trust that she knows, she knows and she knows.
she just needs to be heard and to be understood. (:
she has learnt her lesson..
she told one retarded person her story and ended up being counseled, and guess what?
she was destroyed after all the counselling sessions.
even till now, she couldnt pick herself up; especially seeing faces of disappointments after she shared her story and telling them her honest decision.
now can you understand why is she so fearful already?
if she were to entrust herself to you, can you promise me that you would handle her with extra care?
would you promise me that when she sits in front of you, view her as a very normal person and not to be disappointed when you realised that she is not as good as you think?
would you promise that you will really care and try your best to understand and not just being a busy body that wants to know more for the sake of satisfying your curiosity about her?
okays, this is my friend, ting.
hope you will know her better after reading this.
don't be afraid to ask her how is she or whatever after this post, because this is not the purpose of it.
continue to be yourself, treat her normally and she would gladly appreciate it (:
just remember, she ain't wonder woman...
she is just as ordinary as you do.
SPAM MY BLOG.
Thursday, October 29, 2009 / 4:15 AM
i have been blogging quite a lot these days.
i guess, blogging does a better job in expressing myself more than my tongue do.
my useless tongue always got tied up for no reasons.
maybe my useless tongue doesn't knows how to represent me well...
i am fully aware that public blog like this doesn't allow me to have total freedom of speech.
but oh well, it's better than never. (:
i behaved like a kid, always.
i cannot wait for the right time to solve certain matters...
i am always like wanting things to be done now, things to be settled well now.
if not, i cant sleep well for nuts.
i can comprehend that there are just somethings on earth that i should learn to wait..
but sigh.. why on earth that it's so hard to do so?
to me, if i am really upset..
i will suffer from insomnia.
i will never want to sleep or be able to sleep when things are seriously bothering me.
so it's hard for me to really be understanding when people claimed to be upset and claimed that you are so damn important to them and yet can fall asleep so soundly in the midst of battling and all the drama mama scenes.
so my natural instinct will tell me that this is not important enough for you not to sleep and to stay awake to have a serious thought on.
but i know... we were all created differently.
so i can't do much or point fingers.
when things are done in harsh manners, it's almost impossible to get the ideal result.
this is know full well, because i often err on this.
oh well, myself to blame ):
i just wanna say that...
my decision is final.
i am too tired to go through anymore heart breaks.
though i cannot judge anything when the other is too tired to think..
but at least to my understanding, this is not worth for me to keep clinging on.
may it be i am understanding things wrongly or not, i am who i am..
i cannot accept certain theories and ways of approaching the problem...
this makes life so miserable for all involving parties.
so whats the point?
---
today i came to full understanding that love must comes with action.
love without action is like a bounced cheque.
you can write any attractive amount of money on the cheque...
but it's only valid when the cheque can be converted into cash.
whats the point of the amount stated when it would eventually bounced?
will the receiver of the cheque be happy at the end of the day?
people, make sure your bank has enough money before you fill up the amount on the cheque.
you should be smart enough that i am not literally talking about money here.
anyhow...
empty words ain't cool.
mean what you say, show it through your deeds.
don't say you love me, when you are not ready to give and sacrifice.
---
my heart hurts even more.
but i know...
this doesn't matter anymore.
or rather, since when it does matter?
hah, who cares.
---
today, i have decided.
i have gained a new friend, once again.(:
hello my new found friend...
allow me to know you once again and on the same hand, know me over again...
i will be there for you, i promise (:
friends for life, maybe? (:
WHEN SKIES ARE GREY.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 / 1:51 PM
i didn't sleep well last night..
having body aches and including headache.
haha.
how i wish you could comprehend my pains.
having a large pool of thoughts earlier on..
but they seem to bid my malfunction brain goodbye.
can't remember any..
but it's good not to remember too.
planning to start my life afresh.
which i have no idea if i will succeed.
anyhow, i have got no choice.
BELONGING, NOT.
/ 2:25 AM
i was just blogging about freedom and restrictions last night...
just when i shut my lappy down and preparing myself to bed, i thought of freedom do brings about restriction but on the other hand, restriction brings freedom too.
it's like a contradiction but it's very true.
sometimes restrictions are good.
because of certain restrictions, you are free from many uninvited troubles.
nobody wants to be uncared of.
human beings are seriously a very contradicting living organism on earth.
say for example..
we hated our parent's restrictions but when they choose not to bother about us anymore, we complain and feel upset that they doesn't care anymore.
so what exactly we want?
when people restricts us for good intention, this is love and care.
unless the restrictions are for self gain and selfish reasons, these are seriously bad.
i hate restrictions, but i love the intention of it.
get my idea?
i didn't think this much yesterday because my mind is over crowed by the agony of being so restricted.
but when i have thought through and appreciate restrictions, it's too late.
i was so blessed with someone wanting to protect me, wanting to restrict me so that i will be safe...
i knew it was a blessing all along..
but before i could voice my happiness about it, i received a bad news that the doors of such blessings has been shut off.
it feels like my heart ain't beating anymore.
it's sucky to know that the one you want to be cared of doesn't wants to restrict you anymore.
as much as i desire care and concern from the people around me, the one i desire most is from you...
how would i want it when you are leaving me alone to make decisions, to do whatever i like?
as much as i hate restrictions, i want you to restrict me because i want you to care for me.
---
she used to be belong to somewhere.
she ran away from that somewhere because she found a new owner.
her new owner loves her and she feel really comfortable and herself with her new owner...
she felt really guilty and bad towards the one who used to own her...
but she choose to deny everything and stick with her new owner...
today, her new owner told her that he came to his senses and realise that she doesnt belong to him.
maybe he is too afraid to own her, or maybe he is too tired to own her..
instantly, she was so lost..
she has forsaken her old owner and now her new owner has forsaken her.
so where does she belongs to now?
she is too ashame to return to her old owner, neither to her new owner.
she was being given up, she was dumped.
she has no where to go, no where to lean, no where she can be to feel belong.
her new owner was her everything, but her everything doesn't own her anymore.
she has lost her everything, both the new and the old world...
and she doesn't know how to move on.
she wants to go home, to a home where she's welcomed.
she wet her sleeve on the bus ride...
she wet her pillow on her bed.
but yet cant find the one who can dry her tears.
why live in such a world where she doesn't belongs to?
why struggle when there's no one to save her at the end of the tunnel?
why breath when no one appreciate her presence?
why stay when she's not welcome?
why cling when she's dump and given up on?
why?
---
The Parable of the Lost Son
Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons.
The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.
After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need.
So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs.
He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!
I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.
I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.'
So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.
"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.
Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate.
For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.
So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.
'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.
But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.
But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.
But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
---
When God Ran
Almighty God,
The Great I Am
Immoveable Rock,
Omnipotent powerful
Awesome Lord,
Victorious Warrior
Commanding King of Kings
Mighty Conquerer,
And the only time,
the only time I ever saw Him run
Was when
He ran to me,
Took me in His arms, held my head to His chest
And said "My son's come home again".
Looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son, do you know I still love you?"
It caught me by surprise when God ran
The day I left Home,
I knew I'd broken His heart
I wondered if
Things could ever be the same,
Then one night,
I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see
It's the only time,
the only time I ever saw Him run
Was when He ran to me,
Took me in His arms, held my head to His chest
And said "My son's come home again".
Looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son, do you know I still love you?"
It caught me by surprise, He brought me to my knees
When God ran
I saw Him run to me
And then I ran to Him
Holy God, Righteous One
Who turned my way
Now I know, He's been waiting
For this day
And then He ran to me,
Took me in His arms, held my head to His chest
And said "My son's come home again".
Looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt His love for me again
He ran to me,
Took me in His arms, held my head to His chest
And said "My son's come home again".
Looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said Son, He said Son, My Son!
Do you know I still love you
oohhh...He ran to me
When God ran
THE FREEDOM I DESIRE.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 / 2:35 AM
seriously, i know nuts about what exactly i want.
it's like when i have finally achieved something after trying so hard, yet there is no absolute satisfactory high after awhile...
it just feels like there is always more; something never ending out there.
when i got this on hand, i realised that something just slipped off my hand.
this is an irony, or some say when you wants to gain something, you would have to give up something?
i have zero idea about what is the kind of freedom i desire.
i know the probability of getting all that i desire is almost zero too.
honestly, i have no specific direction that i am heading to in my entry today.
i just wanna say, there is no total freedom in life.
once you got the kind (out of many kinds) of freedom you desire, you will eventually lose something.
it pretty much depends on what you are willing to give in exchange for the kind of freedom you want.
it's just that the ending might turn out something undesirable ; that leads to regretting.
or on the brighter side, the outcome would be you cheering and find it all worthwhile to sacrifice.
as for me, i really hope that whatever i choose to trade in for the kind of freedom i desire,
would be really worth it.
i am someone who will find a reasonable reason to explain every step i took.
i will surely have an answer for myself whenever i stop and stock take my life and decisions.
sometimes, i obviously know that my 'reasonable reasons' and 'answers' are just a lie to cover my foolishness.
but at least, i am accountable for myself.
i seldom regret, not mentioning minor stuff like regretting eating supper yada yada.. HAHA.
but yeah, i seldom regret when i make major decisions, because i know that if i were to choose again, i will choose the same route again.
even when 'regrets' are slowing creeping in as i continue my choice of journey, i will still do my best not to look back.. keep moving on...
i might not regret.. but i might feel that it's not worth it, at all.
so, i still hope that my trading is all worth it.
---
precious, i don't think you will read this cause i don't even think you know the existence of this blog.
but how would i not understand your pains and regrets?
how would i not understand how it feels to give up something dear to your heart...
---
things that are not of God will surely fade one day.
judgement day will come, sins will be revealed.
blessed are those who walk in the ways of God.
and i am not someone whom God will smile over with, because i am such a sinner.
a sinner that knows where she's wrong and yet not doing anything about it.
do i still have the cheek to say i love Jesus?
---
is love about restrictions?
is freedom about restrictions?
is there a way so that there will be no restrictions?
i know the answer, my friends.
BROKE DOWN.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009 / 2:46 AM
i think i am coughing my lungs out already...
this is the worse cough i had in this year, at least.
i was so sick that i sit at my bed and cry, unbearable!
headache, asthmatic, cough and yada yada.
what's worse is that my menses came this time after 40 odd days...
T.T
argh, heal me!
mannn, i am so like a grumbly old woman now...
i don't mean to be so sulky, i hate it too...
but yeah, i feel really bad to keep skipping lesson, i mean it.
sigh.
i need to prepare teaching for tmr's cg.
i love to teach!
but i am sick at the very wrong timing ):
for once, i wished that i dun have to teach and cg will be postponed.
rawr..
but yeah, hopefully God will use me greatly tmr!! xD
---
i know myself.
i can be over the limit and too emotional at times.
but you see, i hate to be forceful to the people around.
especially those whom i care.
the kind of love, care and concern i want is not those i have demanded, but those that lavished on me without me having my golden mouth open.
i know you ain't God, you cant know what exactly i want...
but i somehow wish that you would know me from the inside out ; doing things that really please me without me telling you, having a solution in mind without me teaching you.
i want initiative, not obedient.
---
many times, i really wish myself to just vanish from the world.
i am just too tired to even live for anyone or even consider what i really need.
i need to start my life afresh.
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN YES AND NO.
Sunday, October 18, 2009 / 2:30 AM
hello world...
tings is sick, again ):
the weather nowadays is full of craps, this is like so no wonder that many fall sick.
oh well...
anyhow, i pray that i can go school on monday, with my full tank of energy and pink in health! (:
just being random..
oh mann, i envy shepherds with their sheep pestering for shepherdings.
simply because i saw a sheep doing that to her shepherd today.
like.. awww (:
sometimes, i feel so thick skin to pester my sheep for shepherding, even when she's cold.
i guess, back in youth, i already took it for granted that there is not a need to pester for shepherding, just a text over, fixing the date, time and place and i am done!
now is slightly different for me..
but well, i love all my sheep (: may it be the youth group one or my current one.
so trust me, i am not comparing... i am just reflecting. HAHA.
i am such a dilemmatic person.
or some say, in the midst of making a decision...
half of me want it, whereas another half, i don't want it.
don't worry if you are often confused by me, because i am always confused by myself too.
it's not that i have no idea about what exactly i want, but rather, it's about what i cannot lose most in my life.
i value many things in my life, it's just that sometimes when i can only choose one, i am confused by which is less painful to forgo.
human kinds will fail us...
many craves for a second chance.
and i know deep in my heart that i will need this second chance one day.
but i just want to let you guys know, my stand doesn't change.
maybe i would in the future, but now.. not yet.
i wasn't happy with the things happening.
and i do not understand why certain people did certain things.
i have my share of wrongs and moments of folly, all these i know better than you do.
but i simply cant understand how people's mind works.
like why showcase my rants to others, like why ... haiya.. and the list goes on.
my words may hurt people...
but think about it, hurt(ed) people hurts people...
why stab me right into my heart when you are so fearful of pains and hurts?
i hope you people can understand that the world doesn't revolve around yourself..
bear in mind that there are actually people around you.
don't hurt people for your own interest and without considering the others.
which is more important, you or the bigger picture?
what i am saying applies to myself too, a huge part of them.
hah, life is hard, doing life with people is so even harder.
i know i am bad to say this...
but i believe God place me in this bloody place to mould my character and to test my values.
haha.
given that i am already struggling some personal issue before settling down in this place...
now more to top up to my misery.
i am (still) very convicted that those people plays a part in my journey of miseries, but i have the biggest part to play.
laugh at me, if you want.
oh well, i am sure that if i am able to pull through all these..
i will surely be stronger and a better tool.
if i can't... hah.. i can't believe that giving up can be actually one of my options and it's ringing louder and louder in my head as the clock ticks.
bury them away..
take capture of my thoughts and make it pleasing to God.
i am trying, very hard.
because no matter what, trust me that i love God, trust me that i love my sheep, trust me that i love my peers who's running the race with me.
so for the sake of God, (some) people and myself, i will be back on track.
keep me sane!
hoping for a fruitful week ahead.
may it be schooling, shepherding my sheep, caregroup and my health. (:
FILLED TO THE BRIM.
Friday, October 16, 2009 / 1:45 AM
once again, i have many in mind but i do not know where to begin everything with.
angry, upset, pissed, frustrated yada yada, you name it, i got them all.
seriously, even if i would chant all the !@#$%^&* to that piece of shit, it' would just be a gross understatement of my anger.
HAHA.
y'know, sometimes...
when people leave, it doesn't have to be because they do not love God anymore...
but it's the people, the community that drove them crazy and thus, unable to make a sound decision.
God loves people through people, am i not right?
this sucks, like.. seriously and totally.
i know i am kind of extreme here...
but i say...
don't you dare to come back, if you do... i swear that i will be the one leaving instead.
God can give you many second chances, but i ain't no Jesus...
you don't expect any second or rather, the Nth chance from me anymore.
you don't deserve it.
God says that He wouldn't allow me to go through what i cannot bear...
this is what i cannot bear, so if God were to let me go through it again...
see what will happen.
God bless.
i ain't no spare tire...
talking about supporting, about willingness...
shit you, if wouldn't for her being so irresponsible AGAIN, you guys wouldn't even need me.
i don't desire anything big here, i am just voicing out and i just dun fancy being used and den chucked aside..
and the asshole is the one taking the glory.
think about it, when she is such an ass, i have to clear her mess...
when she is a holy mama, she continue what she's doing.
why can't i be mad about it?
COME AND GREET ME, I AM THE MISS SAI-GANG WARRIOR.
FREEZE THE NOISES.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009 / 4:23 AM
no doubts, i am seriously sleepy since many hours back.
but silly me refuses to surrender to the bed monster too soon cause i simply wants to enjoy not sleeping early for school.
haha, yes you are right! i have no lesson tomorrow. *winks*
but i still have to go school for fyp though. T.T
anyhow, school was better than i expected today.
shall not elaborate though.
let me share something i thought while i was walking along somewhere in school...
one of my fyp team mate was telling me and also to some random people (whom i have no memory of) that the fyp team is very glad and happy to have me in their team because i am like the pistachio of the group yada..yada..
and also, she told me that they were worried when they knew about my family hoo-haas recently, they wanted to have sakura buffet or steamboat but they are having second thoughts due to their considerations of my finance.
for once, i felt a warmth and appreciated in my heart in this cold environment.
i am so blessed (:
---
hello earthlings,
would you please shut up and leave me alone?
seriously, no one would want to take the route to destruction, for real.
i am so sick and tired, so sick and tired.
what exactly i need now? i know nuts too.
i ain't want to hear or listen...
i am tired to speak and explain much.
if you understand, you will understand.
i think, it just snapped unknowingly.
ouch.
"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter."
good night world. ^^
IT'S MORE THAN BLUE... IT'S BLACK!
Saturday, October 3, 2009 / 3:31 AM
1 Corinthians 9:24-26
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
How i wish I want to say this with ny head hanging up high one day. (:
because i can't help but to agree that i am running aimlessly, i fight like a man beating the air, i did not make my body my salve and i am so fearful that i might disqualified myself for the prize.
so, when can i stop running in circles, chasing after my very own tail?
get me out of this meaningless race and put me back on track, to the race where i should be running.
---
a huge SIGH...
that dreadful hell on earth is opening it's gate, waving it's hands with a evil smile..
yes, it's none other than school ):
you woundn't understand why i hated school this much.
and to rub salt onto my wounds, one of my modules (the one that requried me to wear formal) was canceled and i was dumb into another module...
wasted money on formal clothes! but thank God, it wasn't my money... (oppps)
Last three modules...
Tourism and Travel Practices, Leisure Planning and Programming, Arts Management...
and my FYP 2...
hah, last semsester already...
老娘跟你拼了!!!!!!
RANDOM, AGAIN. (:
Thursday, October 1, 2009 / 4:09 AM
你知道男人和女人说谎最大的差别在哪里吗？
男人说谎，是要让自己觉得好过。
而女人说谎呢，是要让对方好过。
我们选择欺骗，是因为不想伤害深爱的人。
我们不是故意的，
只是没有伤害对方的勇气，所以才隐藏真正的答案。
1. tings charis