1. tings charis
2. 黄詩婷
3. 19th September 1988
4. 23 years old
5. Pre-school Teacher
6. Hope Church Singapore
7. tingscharis@gmail.com


Greetings,
ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
tings is really very proud to have you in her humble cyber world.
before you turn the door knob and enter into her world,
you may want to take a small note on what she is going to say here...

keep your fingers to yourself, do not judge.
tings is fully aware that this ain't behind any closed door
and hence, what you read is not what she is, totally.
read and go, do not make any conclusions on your own.
mere concerns are appreciated, anything beyond that line are not welcomed.

have grace and mercy upon her
she is indeed not as good as you think.

sign off, tings charis :)




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» May 2012


© Layout: AmericanRoyalty
Color codes: xoxo
Inspirations: the chemistry skin/hm & paranoid/*éf

DEDICATED TO

YOURWILL

"we must understand that love leaves for a reason, but never without a lesson"

---

there are many many things that are beyond my understanding.
i am a very 'step-by-step' person, it means that i learn thing one at a step...
even when i do my math question, i cannot afford to skip any step, because i will simply get confused.
hey wait, why am i talking about this?
hah, just random though!

anyway, i am very glad that i am in service today.
i am ashame to say that i have missed quite a number of these recently.
due to various reasons....
but nonetheless, i believed that God arranged everything.
allow me to talk more about my dearest God here...
no doubt, i love God! really :)

it's indeed true that apart from God, we can do nothing.
i felt that i have lost so much, so much in my life because i withdraw myself alot from God.
its not that God curses me but it is myself who has forfeited all His blessings.

going all the way down to the root problem is the only way to restoration.
but do i have the courage to dig out all my root issues?
why am i like that, why do i behave this way, what was i thinking and yada yada...
mannn, all these are ugly, seriously ugly.
the hardest person to confront and to face is actually yourself.
hey, it require tons and tons of courage to face yourself, isn't it?
that's why we are always being reminded that bring your sins up to the light, because when everything is still in the dark, the devil is in control and you cant experience full restoration from God when you are not 100% honest with your wrongdoings.
sigh, how hard it is.

i once told God, i seriously miss serving fervently in the church and all that...
but i cant, i just cant go back to how it used to be...
i dont deserve anything good, i have totally let Him down...
i know that God is not like that, God is gracious...
but i cant help but to think that i dont deserve anything good.
however, i was told that the worse thing that we can ever do to ourselves is to disqualify ourselves after our failures.
oh God, i think all my confidence and belief in myself drop to rock bottom because i have already disqualified myself from all these...
i thank God for such reminders.

God longs to restore me rather than condemning me.
though now i am still confused about many things...
but at least, i must know that though i am the worse of all, i am still under God's umbrella.
God is so gracious to me, really.
i want to find an avenue to serve Him...
so i shall explore around and see how things go!

i hope that i will have a new beginning in my life...
a fresh start and i will grow in God all from the beginning..
just like a new believer :)

frankly... as i type all these...
i am actually doubting myself.
i am afraid that it is only a once off conviction...
so God, help me to build upon this conviction.
i want to be a living testimony for your grace.

seriously, after listening to all the passage, i really think that i am peter number 2.
i used to declare proudly that i will never deny Jesus, i will do this and do that.. blah blah blah.
haha, but i am the one that fall and the one that fail Him the most.
Peter said "Lord you know my heart" after the third time Jesus asked peter if he loves Him...
Peter was actually saying that, "Lord, you know that i love you, but i will fail you sometimes, but i will love you as much as i can......." and he knows that many times, his words are louder than his actions....
this is exactly what i want to tell Jesus...
i always proclaim that i love you, but my actions say otherwise...
so God, i will really really do my best to love you with all my heart, soul and mind.
God, you know my heart, you know that i love you alot.
apart from you, i can do nothing, apart from you, i am nothing.
i know that i sucked big time... turning to you is always my last resort...
this shouldnt be the way...
i must guard my heart well by guarding my time with you...
going deep with you so that i can grow deep in you.
God, this is not too late, right?

help me and use me greatly.
please.
thank you Lord :)



















Behind every closed doors, there might be something going on inside that we will never know...
there's a secret behind every closed doors and we might not expect them before.
what is yours? are you still you when you are behind the closed door?
i doubt so, because i believe that everybody has a 'part b' in them... a secret 'part b' ..
behind all closed doors, its where all masks are removed.

---

behind closed door ;  i talk to myself often.
behind closed door ; i think alot, alot.
behind closed door ; i look seriously unglamorous, fringe cliped up, specs and ugly plus torn set of clothes.
behind closed door ;  sometimes i cry.
behind closed door ;  sometimes i whine.
behind closed door ;  i talk to my toys.
behind closed door ;  sometimes i write my feelings down.
behind closed door ;  i look at that precious mug box and i will ....
behind closed door ;  i will daze for a moment and think of you.
behind closed door ;  i will convince myself to let go and move on...
behind closed door ;  i will sometimes try to draft my future out in my mind...
behind closed door ; i will hear my own hear shatter because its too quiet...
behind closed door ; i will sing if i am in good mood :)
behind closed door ;  i am who i am and sometimes i love it but most of the time, i don't.

behind closed door ;  i dig my nose.
HAHAHAHAHAHA, GOTCHA!
Just kidding lar, tings don't dig nose one, she uses tissue lar dude.
HAHAHAHA.

It is really really a very very turn off when I was reminded that my
precious two weeks holiday has bid me goodbye. :(
my monday's blue got even blue-er especially after a 'problem-free' cruise trip.

You know what?
It was on purpose that I have never activated my auto roaming.
That's simply because I feel really good to escape from my reality world,
even if it's only for a short, short while.

I love singpore, no doubt :)
but it's my reality world that I wanna run away from.
So, it's never the issue of the country or place,
it's me.
How i wish I can got stuck in the cruise forever, get fat and die there...
Hah, foolish, ain't i?

If you know me well enough,
you would know that I am actually far away from being strong.
People always have an impression that my nature of dealing with problems is by confronting them.
but little did they expect that my first instinct towards everything is to hide and avoid first.
Yes, maybe I would still confront my problems at the end of the day...
But do you know that it is because I am left with no choice but to do so?
If not... I would avoid forever.

Haha, I always think that by ignoring and hiding myself well,
I would not be affected and I will be okay in the end...
Oh well, how true is that?
I don't know.

Now, I really wish that I can leave Singapore for a few years...
I need a getaway to unwind and to hide.
I dread to face everything.
i dread to work,
i dread to think and dread to be responsible of my own life.

I need to press the re-start button to start my life anew.
I need to re-learn how to appreciate the air I breathe,
to smile and have a light heart,
to skip and whistle as I walk and appreciate the beautiful scenery around me,
to lift my head up and spread my arms exclaiming how beautiful it is,
to live and breathe. :)

that's why I say, I want a getaway.
to have a real rest, a more than just a physical rest...
And get myself ready to face life routines again.
In short, I need to recharge and refresh my soul and mind :)

More holidays please!
No need to check my phone,
no need to work...
No worries...
All I need to do is to only play and have fun!
Woots!














可以吗让我和你对调
希望换成你爱我爱得快要疯掉
知道吗你对我多重要
只是现在的我们并不适合拥抱

爱随着风飘荡飘过了你嘴角
飘到天涯海角
把我困在这城堡哪里也逃不了

我不要别人温柔的怀抱
听不见你的心跳
连我熟悉的味道再也闻不到

我只要你喊我一次就好
从前亲昵的暗号
多想再次亲耳听到

我不要别人温柔的怀抱
让我暂时的依靠
那是短暂止痛药很快会失效

你只要再哄我一次就好
让我可以很骄傲
记住我拥有过的好
记住在你怀里微笑

It's indeed unfair... Yes it is. But then again, how do you measure fairness? It did cross my mind to be give chance, to talk things out and to be fair & square in this whole affair. But what's the point when things are already made clear why I do what I do. It already don't matter to me how you felt about me, you may be wronged by me, you might not be who I assumed. Good or bad, does it matter? Whether who I am to you, where I stand & etc, are they very important now?
Frankly, I really trust and believe your character and whatever you said, just that whatever I told you, you don't seem to register them into your heart. Though what I said is always long and lengthy, but everything is important to me.

I said I give up... But rest assured that it's not your fault that I do so... It's just that I have already wake my sense up that letting go is best for me. It's an overdue goodbye, I am actually already late for four months.

Things changed, people changed. I am sorry that I am not flexible enough to accept the change. My heart is not big enough to pretend none has happened & face you like that.

Frankly, there ain't any room to talk about fairness here. Simply because back to four months ago, you wasn't fair to me too... Did you discuss with me what's good for me? Did you ask what I want? No you didn't, you did things your way too . So don't talk to me about fairness, there isn't one to begin with.
















But still, you are just another 'come and go' in my life.

---

i randomly read those crazy notes i did once upon a time in facebook.
haha, when i was in rp, i was freaking bored and spammed loads of notes.
hey, it was in the trend then, okay!
as i read most of them, i realised that my life has changed a lot.
if i were to redo all the notes again, i bet almost all the answers would be different.

i used to watch movies almost once a week, midnight shows.
i used to chat on phone every night before i sleep.
i used to address someone as noobcake, my lover and etc.
i used to always have someone to make me smile...
i used to look forward to everyday because i will have someone dining with me after my long day.
i used to get excited over stupid things like coconut, secret codes and... yada yada.
i used to love sundays alot, because it all begins with a lazy sunday...
i used to term myself as double instead of single. haha.
i used to text alot, with noobcake.
the most dreadful thing to me before was school, and nothing else seems more depressing.
i used to be confident that i am loved and needed.
i always get a good meal after being upset, did i mention "i used to"?
i used to be happy.

my life has change a lot...
i almost forgot that i used to be such a happy person.
where my greatest depression comes from school and biggest problem comes from ministry.
now, all these are like peanuts to me.

i no longer watch movies every week.
i no longer chat on phone.
i no longer look forward to everyday.
i no longer have a good meal after i got upset.
i no longer have someone to make my heart smile.
i no longer have my noobcake.
i am no longer happy...
i am no longer loved and no longer needed.

dwelling in the past will only hinder me from moving on in life.
oh well, its a waste that you are just like the others, you came and you went.

life can never move backwards...
let bygones be bygones.
at least, i was happy for 2 years.
though damn cui but yeah, no regrets :)

---

for now....
i am on my own....
i have got nothing to feel sorry for because i wasnt the one that has change...
the one that chose to dump all the happy memories is not me.
i remembered and do reminisce them at times...
but hah, i guess.... it was all already forgotten by the other shareholder.

now, just let me live in my own world...
together with my Jesus under the coconut tree....
my prolly another 40 years of life is going to be exciting!

---

the ones who hurt you the most, are the ones who promised they wouldn't.

离开是想要被挽留; 如果开口那只是我要来的温柔..

my head hurts now, it feels overloaded.
it seems like my brain has been processing a lot of thoughts today; too much of it, i guess.
many times, i am sick and tired of thinking...
like what i always say... overthinking will lead to nowhere and it is usually concluded negatively.
oh God, i just want to captive my thoughts and make it pleasing to you.
but it is never easy, this i don't deny.

i hope that my brain and mind didnt work (too much) for nothing today.
to think about it, it requires only a few seconds to change a person completely.
we called it a paradigm shift of thoughts, if i am not wrong :)
i know not how to explain what the hell are all these about...
but in short, it just took a snap of a finger for someone to change.
a change in behavior, lifestyle or whatever... it all begins with a thought, a very convicted one.
like a moment ago, you may be depressed, but one enlightening thought or any words that came across you that really makes a lot of sense can impact you and have your life changed!
okay, if you get it, you get it... if not.. i really have no idea how to explain myself already!

i think i had this "paradigm-shift-of-thoughts" today.
or at least, i am somewhere near there.
i have come in terms with many things.
but the sad thing is, i somehow felt that my moment of "getting my feet up" would be short.
back on track, i was saying that my thoughts are pretty sort out now.
i can't say that i am already there, up there... but i guess that i am making the first step?
hah. no idea.

it is one painful process, i swear.
i tried and then i failed, i tried again, and then i failed again...
God knows how many times i have been in this routine.
God, it should be ending soon right?
i might fail again this time round, i know...
but yes, i know i will make it someday.
step by step is the key i guess.

---

actually, i am left with no choice but to do so....
actually, i would still turn back if you are willing to change yourself back for me, but i know you won't.
actually, you have no idea what you have turned me into.
actually, i know i don't need you as much as i thought.
actually, i know that its already over 4 months ago.
actually, i know that this is not what i want for life.
actually, i am a coward who wants to let go but i have no courage to do so.
actually, i hide because i dare not face.
actually, you mean the world to me, but i meant nothing to you... so i have to shut my door and find my new world.
actually, i sucked.
actually, only God can help me.
and last but not the least, actually i have to, i really have to practice self control. :)

---

when i am gone, don't expect me back.
you forced me to. :)

---

yes, so all in all....
in order to change whatever you need to change today...
it all begins with a thought!
but the challenge is....
how to convict yourself with your thought...
once you are really convicted, ah ha! your life change!!
tings, this is what you really need... :)
btw tings, you are really annoying when you are emotional!
omg, i think even santa claus cannot stand you!
so, for the sake of the world, tings you better CHANGE.

it has been almost two and a half years since i know the real tings.