EVEN GENIUS KNOWS NOT.
Saturday, August 21, 2010 / 11:35 PM
there's always an inner cry in us that wants to be heard.
there are simply some things that no words can fully describe its original, unfeigned and heartfelt meaning.
that's why there are many times, i have the urge to literally attach a miracle translating machine from my heart to the ears of whom it may concerned.
there might be millions of vocabulary in the world, but there are many affairs in the heart that are not what vocabulary can fully express.
sometimes, you went through a lot.
you wish that someone will see what you are going through.
you hope that someone will understand your pains and comprehend your thoughts.
you wish that someone will count your tears and feel how you feel.
you also dream that someone will know what you wanna say even before you open your mouth.
or even, you may pray that someone will be in your shoes to experience first hand of what you are going through, exactly.
you want someone to know, especially that someone whom you went through a lot for.
i may be good in language, but i know not how to express so that you can understand.
i may be bad in mathematics, but i can count how many times of failures attempts i have put myself through to let you understand.
it may sound cheezy but i have to quote from a movie... " 这些是你不知道的事。"
so true, there are indeed many things that happens inside me, you do not know.
the pains, the tears, the struggles, the internal battles and the list goes on...
tell me, which of those you can fully comprehend?
answer me, do you know what lies behind my smile and what is going on in me?
NOTHING.
MY (NOT SO) SECRET DESIRES.
Sunday, August 15, 2010 / 2:24 AM
I have some mission impossible, or faraway dreams and desires....
#1. I want to be an air stewardess, because I want to travel around the world..
BUT.. I am too short :(
#2. I want to stay on my own, badly.
BUT... I dun wanna do my laundry and house chores :(
#3. I want to be rich, really!!
BUT... My pay now is damn pathetic and I don't see any possibilities for it to increase significantly. :(
#4. I want to stay in some other country for at least 2 years in my life.
BUT... I don't see any doors opened yet :(
#5. I want to be slim and pretty, so that I can wear nice clothes.
BUT... Haha, this I can't control! Boo :(
#6. I want to be a shepherd!
BUT.. Taking care of another adult is scary and I don't think I can do this well :(
#7. I want to see my family and friends knowing Jesus! Really!
BUT.. I need tons of courage and consistency in my life. But I will do my best to see this! :)
#8. I want a tatoo on my back!
BUT.. I am afraid that I may regret. But most likely I am doing it, a simple one :)
#9. I want to go for a holiday for every breaks I have!
BUT.. I am too broke to do so. Haha!
My biggest dream of all and I really, really pray with all my heart that it will happen to me...
#10. I want to marry a guy that loves Jesus and me more than anything else.
I want to have a happy family on my own.
I want to personally send my kids to sch and fetch them home.
I want to go home and have meal w my hubby and kids everyday.
I want to go church and pray for one another everyday with my hubby and kids!
hahahaha! This dream... I am afraid that it will not come true. :(
As long as dream #7 and dream #10 can come true, I don't mind forsaking the rest of them :)
---
I also pray that I can come to a stage that I would not be affected by people easily and can manage not to give a damn to those who hurt me.
"以后管他是谁" will come to pass soon :) because I can't wait to be set free :)
BABY BROTHER. :)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010 / 1:16 AM
i wish all of you can see him in person...
he is really damn cute :)
忙 = 心 亡
Tuesday, August 10, 2010 / 2:49 AM
Time can bring two person together but time can draw two person apart too.
There's a reason why most long distance relationship don't work out.
There's also a reason why most of your primary school besties didn't make it to your future.
When people spend very minimal time together, eventually other things will replace and make up the rest of their time.
That's when couples break up, friendships' gone and everything fades.
It was said that distance makes a heart grew founder, but I say, distance makes a heart grew further, if it took a really long time.
Being busy is inevitable in our lives.
Although it is given a law of 24 hours, but I felt that time is a very subjective thing.
You cannot produce time but you can make time.
忙 ＝ 心亡; think about it, are you a machine or a human?
Every route we decide on, there's always something to gain and of cos, something to lose too.
So its always a give and take affair, its all about which is more worthy.
The storyline of a typical drama never fails to have this particular character who has his or her family broken due to the lack of time spent together as a family; probably because the mum or the dad is a workaholic.
Does it rings a bell to you?
No matter how valid the reason is for being too busy, no one loves to be neglected.
Its an extreme difficult thing to wear a smile and be understanding when you are neglected.
Sometimes, it doesn't mean that when I can understand, I don't feel upset.
Back to the drama, when the family is broken, do we blame the mum for not being understanding that the dad has to work or do we blame the dad for being too busy and neglect his family?
I was once a ministry machine. Haha.
But I didn't regret being one.
However, its the fact that I neglected many areas, in my life, around my life.
I missed many parts of my friends' life, I neglected my family.
Now, I won't say I will not involve myself in ministry...
I will never give up God for my friends.
but I will never give up friends for ministry.
I felt that humans are relation animals, not machine.
Yes, investing in people's life are good, but will it be still a good cause if u were to neglect those who walk alongside with you in your journey of life?
If I really want both, I will make sure I can balance both, very well.
If I can't, I will not missed out in my important pple's life.
When u finally have time to breathe, would u regret neglecting ur important ones?
Busy people wouldn't feel e pain of losing the pple around them.
Cause they simply have no time to feel so.
They probably wun know that they have lost anyone...
Physically, it may seems unchanged or untouched.
But who knows that deep in your neglected friend's heart, they have given up waiting and given up investing.
I think its pretty much a choice thing.
We take it for granted that after our busy stage of life, our friends will still be there waiting.
But no one wants to wait forever, no one wants to be neglected forever.
Whether they want it or not, or whether you like it or not..
Eventually something or someone will replace u in their lives.
Even if there is a possibility to make up with the time that's lost, the fact that you have indeed missed out in that part of this person's life, do you think that there will be any antidote to savage this lost?
Busy is an excuse.
Cause I sincerely believe that if you are sincere enough, you will make effort and most importantly, you will MAKE TIME for that person even when it means to sacrifice certain things.
Your life is get shorter every sec as the clock ticks.
As the clock is ticking your life away, who and what will you choose to invest in?
If you don't make time for your impt pple in life, you are bound to lose them.
Would you feel pain that you chose not to spend time with them when they needed you most?
All I want is to have a friend that can do life with me..
Is that too difficult?
WHY AM I ALWAYS MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE?
Sunday, August 1, 2010 / 2:45 AM
nope, i seriously don't think so. :)
---
i have one thousand and one things to update about...
but it is always that when you have too much to say, you would be stuck with your very own train of thoughts.
i wish that i am such a good writer that i can finish all i wanna say in a few sentences.
but apparently, i am not.
so bear with my looonnngggg blog post.
hahaha :)
it is very scary that time passes this fast.
july is gone and august is here...
soon, 2010 would be over!
frankly speaking, i haven't been doing any significant things this year.
ohmygod :(
i spent the first three months of 2010 being depressed.
the other two months trying to stand up on my feet.
and the previous two months trying to be strong and attempted to build one impossible friendship.
ha ha ha, my life is a joke.
i spent 7 months, bloody 7 months in tears and trying to hard, so hard to find my long lost smile.
today, the very last day of the 7th month of 2010...
i laughed at my foolishness.
i have wasted 7 months of my life!!!!
ask me if i would really want to do this for the rest of my life?
without hesitation, i would answer an one big fat 'N-O' straight to your face.
five more months before bidding goodbye to 2010...
i really wish that i can spend it well...
i don't wanna waste my time on the one that wasted seven months of my life.
i am a loser that always swallowed my pride down to the pit of my stomach, chewed my own words up and tear my face just because i cannot afford to lose this i deemed precious.
now, i will digest what i swallowed and give myself a route to escape.
escape from whats unworthy to a place where i can find joy.
i know i have said this a million times, but i am very sure that what i say will come to pass real fast.
ha ha ha :)
i have already said, i will never allow anyone to destroy me like that again.
and i so very mean it, hah.
i know that there will never be an one size fits all solution...
thats why i am still exploring how am i going to overcome all these....
it takes time; which i am not very patient about it.
sigh, at least, i am improving....
---
last monday, i saw eye candy at a mrt platform!
hahahaha, i was damn happy.
and this made me wonder...
who knows that when you enter one ultra jam packed train after work, there is actually one very familiar person that is boarding the very same train as you at the other side of the cabin?
haha you will never know!
who knows that man that sat beside you at the cinema would be your future husband?
or who knows that this bum that irritates you day in day out would be the one that you cant live without one day?
haha, life is unpredictable... seriously.
my future is a huge question mark....
all i can foresee is that i will be very tired as my school is starting.
it would be very physically and mentally demanding to work full time and study part time.
trust me, i am not any far from being exaggerating.
school is starting on 14sept instead of october.
wish me best, friends. :)
alright, i will end here....
i pray with all my heart that i will harden my heart towards that heartless freak and lead my life happily ever after.
---
I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
'Cause I'm so much better without you
But it's just another pretty lie
'Cause I break down
Every time you come around
Oh oh!
So how did you get here under my skin?
I swore that I'd never let you back in
Should've known better than trying to let you go
'Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you is so addictive
We're falling together, you'd think that by now I'd know
'Cause here we go go go again
You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Every time that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you're always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it's no use
Can't be with or without you!
Oh oh
So how did you get here under my skin?
I swore that I'd never let you back in
Should've known better than trying to let you go
'Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you is so addictive
We're falling together, you'd think that by now I'd know
'Cause here we go go go again, 'gain
---
YOU STILL MEAN ALOT TO ME, ITS JUST THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER WORTH THE FIGHT.
1. tings charis
