不屑
Saturday, February 27, 2010 / 4:29 AM
事情如果那麽簡單那就好了
想讓自己不見
瞬間就統統消滅
人類如果沒有心臟那就好了
受傷不會流血
悲傷也不會流淚
不需要有同類
傳染頹廢
不需要愚昧的尊嚴
不需要去偷竊你的思念
自我安慰
就讓我僞裝
我嘴角不屑
讓孤獨乘以更孤獨的兩倍
允許我保留我最後一點點特權
赦免我想念你的心碎
如果我眼神裏閃爍不屑
可能我心裏一半已經殘廢
那一半跟著你走遠了的那一天
這一半漸漸已瓦解
如果我還有一點點不屑
别想要說服我純潔的絕對
我只是世界上物種絕種的絕類
悄悄的失眠了一光年
如果我還有一點點不屑
那是我自己虛榮心在作祟
自以爲或許有一天我們會重疊
我可以再愛你第二遍
---
允許我保留我最後一點點特權
赦免我想念你的心碎
i realised that....
this is what i haven been doing...
人類如果沒有心臟那就好了
受傷不會流血
悲傷也不會流淚
and this is what i am wishing for.
LEARN TO ENJOY LIFE... :)
Thursday, February 25, 2010 / 4:03 AM
I am living in the real world and i have to face the reality.
moving on in life is more than just an option, it's an obligation too.
it seems like i have no other choices than to move on in life.
i can choose to hide in a cave, but how long can i exactly do so?
my mind has already decided to let go.
and my heart gradually agreed.
oh well, some things are inevitable.
there is no way that i can shift you out of my mind or heart.
all i can do is...
to let you remain where you are now and then, status quo. :)
i must learn to enjoy my life now :)
my nails are painted and i sang my lungs out today.
and i feel good about it :)
before my bank account's sucked dry again...
i must find a job!
like seriously...
CREATED DIFFERENTLY.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010 / 5:20 AM
tings is wondering today...
why did two person went through the same thing but yet have different reactions to the ending?
indeed, people are made differently...
some view endings as a new beginning, whereas some view it as doomed.
oh well, some let go easily.. some struggles to move on.
i wish that i can move on in life as easy as others could.
what we have went through might be the same..
but i believe that the process is different, the feeling is different and most importantly, the people that went through it is different.
everywhere i go, everything i do... today...
even as simple as putting my straw into the hole of the ice cube...
as simple as me eating at a new place today and having the urge to let you know...
as simple as me walking around jurong point trying to find you a suitable bag...
as simple as me walking passed the bench we used to sat before...
it weakens my willpower to let go and move on.
even as i am typing this now, tears welled up.
maybe you weren't as affected but...
what used to bring me smile and the sweet sweet taste in my heart when i remembers....
became a bittersweet plus sour feeling..
but hey, no regrets :) really.
God, because i gave my everything...
it's hard for me to remove the roots..
it is so deep that it's ripping my heart apart.
but God, i really feel that it's nothing to be ashame of when i fall.
i don't mind declaring to the world that tings sucks, tings sin and fell.. tings made many mistakes.
how and what the people can do to judge?
what matters most to me is.. i am learning to stand up again.
i am rebuilding my faith, my character and my relationship with the people around me and God.
when i finally made it, i believe that the tings that went through all these would be a better tings as compared to the one that hasn't went through them.
hello, even the the best falls down sometimes.
i need not to hide the fact that i am in pain now...
but yes, i know my smile matter alot and i will try to be strong.
God, are you (still) working in me?
i wished that i could sleep through the pain that i have to go through...
wake me up when it's over..
but i know i can't.
win this battle, tings :)
I (WANT TO) CAN DO IT!
Monday, February 22, 2010 / 2:36 AM
i really miss you.
i really wish that i can wake up next to you, everyday...
---
God can heal everything and ONLY God can heal.
in all aspects...
i have the head knowledge that God can heal me inside...
but that's not enough..
i need to have faith that God can do it in my life even though i can't see how is it possible right now...
not only i need faith, i need to play my part too.
and lastly, i need to EXPERIENCE His healing.
God, i cannot control not to be in pain.
but God, i can choose to seek you.
i must admit that i really do feel tired emotionally and mentally to get over everything and to even seek you in solitary.
but there's no other options left for me, because you are the only solution.
hey world..
i am really tired.
i really am.
i foolishly wish that i can vanish and end everything.
but world, everyone do have their downcast period.
my soul is downcast, i am walking through the valley of death.
to me, it's not something that i should be ashame of.
simply because, when you are at your down period of life, it doesn't mean that you are being defeated.
what's more important is if you are making effort to walk out of it.
am i not right?
HOPES.
Friday, February 19, 2010 / 6:55 AM
HOPE can brings you up on sky high.
HOPE can smack you hard on the ground.
HOPE can encourage you to move on.
HOPE can discourage you to move on.
HOPE can build you up.
HOPE can tear you down.
HOPE can strengthen you.
HOPE can destroy you.
HOPE can make you smile.
HOPE can make you tear.
HOPE can give you light.
HOPE can disappoint you.
HOPE can be positive.
HOPE can be negative.
think about this, people..
isn't HOPE a two extreme kind of thing?
it's because you have it, you lead life in joy.. but on the same hand, it's precisely you had it.. you have the risk of getting hurt deep.
it's contradicting; without it, your life is not worth a meaning.. but with it, you risk being destroyed.
if there is no hope to begin with, there wouldn't be disappointments and pains..
but if there is no hope existing, there goes the end of many lives.
as for me,
now...
because i still have hope, i am hurting badly.
if i can give up hope on this, i could have moved on..
because it shows that i have already let go.
yeaps, i shouldn't pin hopes on this anymore.
so that i won't be disappointed and i won't hurt anymore.
it's so true, for those i have given up hopes on...
i have no emotions on them.
for now.. hope is not a good thing for me.
FROM CANDACE'S BLOG :)
Thursday, February 18, 2010 / 6:44 PM
i have learnt my lesson...
and i hope that i will walk out of it, soon.
please help me.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
/ 3:22 AM
i used to be a lover of spending time on my own, being my own company.
i have no idea why things has turn out this way, to the extend of i fear being alone.
i have lost memories on how exactly i was in the past..
sigh, oh well...
i fear being alone because i refuse to face myself and all my emotions..
you know nuts about how horrifying it is.
hiding and avoiding is not good.
yes i know that.
but hey, i don't want to go through all these pains.
i don't want to face any of those.
i am afraid to be reminded that, the story has ended.
what should i do?
numbing myself is surely not a long term solution.
God, why am i becoming like this?
i am begging you to help me, really.
argh.
PLEASE, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 / 5:16 AM
sometimes, i felt like a loser when it comes to this.
if only it was easy to let it go once and for all...
if only my heart is bigger.
i am just like any other human beings.
i do get tired and discourage after many tries...
when i disappeared, don't expect me back.
i do have pride...
after knocking so many times at the door,
and the door still not opened...
after many turn downs...
i have decided to stop waiting.
and as much as i can, i must have strong will power and control.
who are you to crash my world, over and over again?
H.A.P.P.Y :)
Friday, February 12, 2010 / 4:51 AM
"H-A-P-P-Y"
It has been sometime since i have used this word.
or am i already neglecting this childlike word, casting it aside and forgetting it's existence?
yes, i am certain that it's indeed like this.
happy, oh well.. happy?
haha, it sound so foreign to me now.
english education forbids us to use such simple word to express our emotions because it is way too simple.
people would see you in another light if you speaks or write like this, "i am in cloud nine!" or "i am flying high, delightful, joyous" yada yada chim words..
as compared to "yeah i am happy!", those words do sound nicer yeah?
BUT, what's wrong with simplicity?
as we are trying to survive in this sophisticated world, our mind gets complex as well..
we forgot the beauty of simplicity and thus, genuine smiles are endangered; on the route to extinction.
i know clearly that in this world, it's not even close to possible that we can do anything and everything we like for as long as we are happy..
i know we can't be selfish and we can't live only for our own benefits.
but why make life so difficult?
i have been trying very hard to deny many of my rights and wants...
being blameless, living up to expectations and pleasing people.
there are too many correct things that i have to do despite how i may feel.
simply because no matter how i feel, i have to do what is right.
but hey, i am getting fatigue, i really am.
i begin to question myself, i begin to wonder...
what am i exactly looking for in life?
no doubt that true joy comes from God alone...
i am still very firm in this stand.
i am still a strong believer that if i go according to God's plan, i will be very blessed.
but still, here i am, wondering.
i want to be happy, i really want to.
i am tired of my downcast soul, i am sick of my painful emotions.
i don't have the strength and courage to only go for the correct things in life.
how many wrongs can i exactly correct in my life?
can i even handle all of them?
i am trying way too hard that i am burnt out.
enough, tings.. enough.
all things shall put to an end.
i will no longer try to correct what i can't correct.
i will no longer try so hard to live like a saint.
i still have a sane mind, for as long as i can, i want to live my life right...
but whatever it is, i just want to be happy.
burnt out is the best description that i can thought of for now...
before i recover, i guess... it is good for me to ignore everything.
only for a period.
:)
no matter what...
开心就好..
why torture yourself and do things / give up things that you SERIOUSLY don't feel like doing so?
hey world,
i am tired of being depress.
i have suppressed long enough, i have denied myself just to be correct long enough.
for now, i just want to be happy.
CAN I?
---
how i wish that...
from now on.. i need not to do things against my will..
i can't achieve this yet..
but this is just my wishful thoughts.
搞笑
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 / 7:46 PM
那一条牙膏在对我傻笑
嘲笑我永远用不掉
想睡就睡想闹就闹
好快乐少了人唠叨
蓝色的碗盘多买了一套
我忘了没人陪我通宵
要多少替代的丑角无辜的陪笑
才会让我能真的忘了你的好
我在搞笑藉着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了突然觉得我可以死掉我受不了
还在搞笑害怕回家不知怎麽熬
这麽多年早就习惯有你的撒娇
我想我能熬但是至少要让我知道你好不好
我们的小狗食量变好小
眼神里常常显得无聊
它习惯睡觉的床尾少了一双脚
所以它常常看着门口睡不着
我在搞笑藉着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了突然觉得我可以死掉我受不了
我在搞笑却在醉后眼泪拼命飙
你的离开失去多少我计算不了
忙完了一天突然觉得又何必辛劳对谁炫耀
还在搞笑是否拥有麻痹的疗效
唱一夜歌却避不开催泪的曲调
我彻夜胡闹希望听到有人会提到你好不好
我一定要开心!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010 / 12:55 AM
i've walked through 21 years and 5 months of my life and this is the first time i realised that...
i am nothing but an empty shell.
what used to bring me joy has turned to the source of my heartache.
but then again, this is how things work.. right?
if you know not what is happiness, you know not what is sadness' all about.
if you haven't experienced sorrow, you won't know what is joy.
it's as simple as.. if there's no baddies on earth, then there wouldn't be good guys right?
if i knew i would be this painful now, would i still accept the joy i experienced earlier?
hmmm, i would say that this is one.. beautiful mistake. :)
i don't like the tings now..
i should emo no more.
though life sucks now.. but i anticipate life to be beautiful..
and i hasn't lose hope yet.
i am still young, bright future's awaiting for me..
am i right, God?
i will press on, just a little more.
i swear that i have never been this depress in my life before.
maybe, it's part and parcel of growing up.. i guess?
so, i hope and i hope that..
TING CAN SMILE IN THE STORM!
WHEN YOU'RE GONE.
Saturday, February 6, 2010 / 1:27 AM
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I NEED GOD TO INTERVENE.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010 / 1:18 PM
we were randomly chatting over a few texts and i randomly ask "do you think that i would ever find someone that can love and accept me for who i really am?".
he replied saying that i should open up first and he knows that i am someone who will hide my emotions and feelings and it would take a long time to get into my inner world.
he also said that i need to lower my guard yada yada.
hah, for a moment, i thought to myself that this person knows me well!
but the thing is...
i allowed you to enter into my inner world and i am so totally off guard when i was with you...
but you came in and decided that this is not the world that you wanna be in and chose to slam the exit door.
leaving me behind, wondering what have i done wrong..
wondering if i am too lousy for you or is my inner world so bad that you are tired of me?
you are like a bounced cheque, giving hope and then disappointments.
i can claim nothing from what you've said.
it's not easy to open up that door, but once i open.. it's not easy to shut.
it's even harder to open it up once again after it was forced shut by you.
you do things your way, you consider your stand.
but never have you thought of the pain you've put me through.
you've created a mess in my life and now, i have to pick up the mess... on my own.
i used to thought that even if i am in the mess, i have someone walking through with me.
now, knowing that it was my naive thoughts..
i shall be painfully used to such life, such pain.
i have my share of wrong, i know.
but what's torturing me now is not guilt, but by remembering all your broken promises.
i always have lousy memory, but all of the sudden, it became good when i don't want it to be.
and it's haunting me like nuts.
what a good for nothing brain i have.
i am tired.
tired of reaching something that i will never reach.
tired if being a fool,
tired of acting.
i am tired of remembering and dwelling.
i am tired by the fact that you are the person that i know and now became the person that i knew.
actually just one word from you, it will be like my energy boost..
but i know that i shouldn't and cannot expect anymore.
i want to escape, but i have nowhere to go.
i want to bid you goodbye, but i cannot don't have you.
torturing, indeed.
*i am talking about different people altogether.
the person that text me and the person i am talking about is not the same person!
HAHA.
MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010 / 2:57 AM
Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you
'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you
Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you
But I can’t let you go
---
are you a believer of there's actually someone who can accept you for who you are?
my middle name is trash.
people dump things they do not need.
not needed anymore.
i was wondering to myself...
true loves will reveal true colours.
if you are expecting to find a partner that is flawless and perfect...
then i would say that, go and find a hypocrite then.
or an actor maybe?
because no one can be the perfect one...
your partner will surly drained you out, because he/she matters to you.
if he/she doesn't matter, why care?
but the beautiful thing is... no matter how draining you can be, you chose to hang on because you know that this is part and parcel of life.
and on top of that, you love that idiot dearly... so dearly that everything's worthwhile even you might be tired and drained.
it's not even near possible that you can find love that's only consist of beautiful and not tears, joy without sorrows, strength without being drained.
if you truely love someone, what about accepting their flaws first, or rather, be patient and correct their flaws rather than giving up?
i would say that the real strength of your love towards that someone, is the strength of your love towards their flaws.
LOVE SICK!
Monday, February 1, 2010 / 1:49 AM
freedom from entanglements...
maybe banging my head onto the wall and lost all my memories would be a faster way to achieve that.
actually i know not what i want too.
can i scream my lungs out?
---
God closes a door for a purpose.
amazingly, i was more than half recovered the next day when i woke up.
i thank God and said "God it must be you!" when i opened my eyes.
HAHA.
frankly, it seem like i have toured around hell and came back.
i am not fully recovered yet but i know that i will survive.
you wouldn't want to know what i have went through mannz.
i've learnt that all mistakes are planned by God too...
it's one stepping stone to your next destination of life.
it comforts me alot.
but i would proudly say that, if you were my mistake.. you would be the most beautiful mistake i have ever made.
God planned it and God will bring us through :)
---
be strong, tings.
yes, be strong!
and stop crying.
1. tings charis
