WHEN THE LOSER PRAYS...
Wednesday, May 19, 2010 / 11:33 PM
Dear God,
i know that i am a loser and i have no rights to request anything more...
but Jesus, i really want to pray for my job and my portfolio..
i pray that it will be really successful :(
and most importantly, i wanna pray for my emotions.
i am struggling in my emotions and i am going crazy.
God please help me to have joy in life.
i really hate myself to be like this....
i really hate to pass my days with such heavy heart.
i, i... i.. hais.
God, save me from all these agonies :(
DEEEE.
/ 1:03 AM
let me tell you a story...
before i share this story, let me introduce the characters first.
hmmmm, it is never wise to reveal too much details right?
so lets give this character A a name and a gender.
why not lets make this character a female since i am a female too...
what should i name her?
hmmmm..... what about Deee?
alright, awesome!
ohh... character B would be.... a female too then.
lets name her.... foool?
cool.
i shall begin the story with sometime ago...
foool was going through tremendous stress because she had to adapt a new lifestyle living in a new environment.
she was rushing her project and assignments.
to top all these up, exams came knocking at her door.
she was promised to have a companion but as the same period of time, she was left all alone.
she couldnt accept the fact that she was now all alone, losing someone important in her life.
on top of that, she drowned herself with buckets of tears finishing her never ending pile of work.
she cried everyday, even in her sleep.
foool always put on a smile wherever she goes...
hmmm, at least she tried to.
thats what hurts her most.
deee wasn't aware of all these.
deee thought that her decision is the best for foool, without realizing the damage caused.
she walked out of her life, just like that.
soon, foool did all she could to get her feets up again.
no doubt, she succeed after many painful falls.
she struggled between choosing working world or uni life.
she chose working world.
deee wasn't there for her when she made such crucial decision.
deee wasnt even aware what and why she chose the route she took.
oh, when foool had her project presentation and exams, deee wasnt there too.
i doubt she even know how foool fair for that day.
one day, deee suddenly appeared in foool's life again.
foool was afraid but happy at the same time.
she updated her all she can about her life.
but sadly, updates will always be updates...
it can never be compared with walking life together.
things went on too well that foool started to be worried.
one significant day, when foool met deee for school...
foool realised that those beautiful words that she foolishly believed was only out of impulse.
she was damn disappointed and affected.
deee couldnt comprehend why foool was this affected.
foool was so affected that she couldnt sleep at night.
oh guess what....
foool was once again stress up by her work.
hah, its a curse!
the period when deee disappointed foool was again, foool's crucial stressing week.
foool realised that she has difficulty adapting to the adulthood and have blues going to work.
she cannot cope whats coming and all her piles of work.
she is suffering and deee came and ... to make things worse?
foool wants to cry but she swallowed her tears back.
she told herself that why shed tears for the same person again?
the one that promised her that she will walk with her is the one that left her when she needed her the most.
why?
why must she face all these alone?
why must she go through difficult times of her life alone?
foool values promises alot.
she was damn scared that she will be once again thrown away.
its not like she have never been thrown away before.
her conviction of not being worthy was deepen by the people around her.
deee called and foool didnt know what to say.
deee's last sentence was "i am not talking to you anymore".
foool made her upset again.
foool didnt mean it, foool was upset and stress too.
foool wants to fulfill her promise but she was afraid to do so....
what if she fell deeper as she do it?
deee blamed her because she canceled one job opportunity because of her ever changing mind.
foool wants to apologize to deee.
foool thinks that she is good for nothing.
foool decided to withdraw once again.
i hope this time round, she will success.
foool's destiny was meant to be alone...
so why bother to cling onto anyone else?
---
you missed many important stages of her life.
she walked through all these alone.
when she is in tears, when she is fearful, when she is lonely, when she is in doubts...
where were you?
you left her alone.
4 months ago is like that, you did the same thing to her today.
---
foool told me, she would rather be alone than to be with someone that will rip her heart apart, over and over again.
she also said that she rather hear the ugly truth, than to hear the sweet things den after that suffer double the pain.
she said that she had enough already.
its never deee's fault.
no one blamed her.
its foool's fault.
she caused herself into this and brought much trouble to deee's life.
move on and let go.
LISTEN TO MY STORY, WILL YOU?
Monday, May 17, 2010 / 4:04 PM
Hey boy,
i have a story to share with you...
would you listen to what i have to say?
after sharing, would you give me about 2 years to get my life right?
if your answer is yes....
i will share the story with you.
GUARD YOUR HEART, WELL.
/ 3:59 PM
So anything that's not rooted and its easily shaken is not love.
people says "love hurts".
indeed, its painful because when it comes to love, people are vulnerable.
however, to think about it....
this is not the intention of love.
when love was introduced to the world, it meant to be a beautiful thing.
am i not right?
so when it starts to pain you...
think again, is this still love?
or you are just being blinded by your own emotional needs?
as for myself, i am always a believer or love...
but only the love that will last.
i will not invest into anything that doesn't last, because it is pointless and meaningless.
my heart hurts but i understand that it is pointless to dwell on anything superficial now.
there are other things in life that i can rest my eyes on.
in terms of me and my beloved daddy in heaven...
trust me that i am trying hard, to be close with him... once again.
i thought of giving myself up... but i know...
i need this relationship more than anything else.
it is true that even if we were to lose anything and everything in the world, relationship with God is one thing that we cannot afford to lose.
hey world, i am STILL trying to apply this into my life.
be patient with me.
i will not hurt myself twice by making the same mistake twice.
i will not believe in the same lie twice.
i will not shed my tears for the same person twice.
i will learn to be smart and lift my head up high....
telling myself how amazing i am.
I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR 2ND WORLD.
Thursday, May 13, 2010 / 10:34 PM
it has been sometime since i felt this way, i swear.
HUGE sigh.. HAIS.
i was reminded once again, not to let down my guards.
i am tired, i am tired of having such emotions.
i simply hate it when i am feeling this miserable when you feel nothing at all.
enough, i had enough of all these.
i had enough of you.
if i can, i would.
if i can, i could.
if i can, i will be free.
SOMETIMES WE ARE THE POOR ERASER.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010 / 12:11 AM
there are two ways to look at it,
sometimes, you suffer from others' mistake... just like the poor eraser above...
sometimes, you suffer from your own mistakes...
oh well, that cant be helped...
but either way, we are like the eraser..
WE DONT LIKE MISTAKES.
if i have the ability and capability....
i will erase the month of march and april 2010 off my life.
please dont ask me why, i have no intention to explain myself, friends.
but nonetheless, i EXTREMELY regretted everything and feels like knocking my own dumb head onto the wall.
sigh, but yeah... there's nothing much that i can do though.
rawr, i am DISGUSTED by everything.
argh, thank God that i am too tired to be depressed.
anyway on the lighter note...
life has been not bad for me.
i am very blessed by God in every way :)
spent too much money on doctors though...
i am quite upset with my own health problem.. i really do.
so i am praying hard that i will be one healthy kid!! :)
hey i may sound funny but i am really anticipating my future.
hah, i know i don't deserve anything good...
i really know that full well.
frankly, i looked down on myself...
because of all my mistakes..
its hard to forgive myself, y'know? :)
i really hope that God will give me a happy family, which i haven't have one before.
its once said that when God took away something, He will return me with something better right?
God, can i have one faithful man and a happy family when i am ready?
thank you God. :)
hahahahahaha!
1. tings charis
