ALONE, DOWN & OUT.
Monday, November 30, 2009 / 2:37 AM
Let me share with you guys two ugly truths.
no doubt, it's related to myself...
you may or may not be interested, but these two freaking ugly truths pierced through my heart, and ouch, it hurts.
#1. My dad planned to chase me out of the house long ago.
before i made the decision to move, my dad has been sending me texts that threatens me and often lock me out of the house.
i called myself depressing cinderella, rings a bell to you?
my heartless dad's poor english goes like this... "U go out, don't come back.", or "Get out, don't take money from me." or "door lock in 15mins" or "U go ur friend house, don't come back". yada yada.
imagine yourself receiving this almost everyday from your dad, your very own dad that gave birth to you.
yes, he succeeded, i finally reach 21 and hit my limit and moved.
till now, it has been 3 months, he hasn't called.. not at all.
right away, he redecorated my room into a baby room; yes, that baby that happens to be my half-brother that will meet the world in a month time.
he even told eugene to collect my house keys back.
whoa, awesome.. i got the hint like so totally.
he doesn't want me back home.
if he weren't planning for my departure, then why sent those smses everyday and react so quickly after i left?
why aren't he calling me?
do you how it feels to be me, with your very own dad planning for your departure and worse still, not having the slightest plan to have you back?
talking about blood is thicker than water?
come on, this doesn't apply to me.
#2. Loving me and loving the real me is two different affairs to the one i treasure most.
today, i learnt that it's impossible for someone to love you for who you are, other than God, of course.
i have given up hope to believe in those lies about i can be who i am, because at the end of the day, people just wants you to be who they expect you to be.
yes, i learnt this in the hard way, when the one you love most hurts you, this is how painful it can be.
despite all the tears, the one that claimed to treasure me most chose to leave and not come back.
they let you cry like mad alone when they clearly know you are running a fever and ain't feeling well.
they tells you the painful truth about how annoying you are and then put it off assuming you will be alright with a simple apology.
communication is important, how frustrating it can be not to be understood.
i have my share of wrongs, i don't deny.
i tried not to play the blame and shame game here.
so i've decided to withdraw myself from this game.
i will never believe that i can be treasured when my mask is removed.
you painted the most beautiful picture but you tore it off with your bare hands.
---
why, why?
again and again, they inflicted pains into me.
again and again, i am disappointed.
i am both dejected and rejected.
---
just like i end my sentences with a fullstop, i am ending all these with a fullstop as well.
i want to move on, i want to dump all these behind me.
i will never talk about wanting a sunshine when my skies are grey, i will never talk about having a happy family.
it won't happen to me, anyway.
i am an adult now, i will not lean on my two great pillars that i used to lean on.
i still have my friends, my mother and most importantly, God with me.
bear with my emotions for awhile, friends.
my heart will smile when i am done crying and having bitterness.
i will move on when i settle my emotions down.
till here.
good night.
BIOCLOCK IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009 / 5:06 AM
i am feeling rather uneasy now.
it feels like my heart ain't settled.
i wonder why?
sigh, let me sleep in peace and bless my day tomorrow, would you?
FAR FROM PERFECTION.
Sunday, November 22, 2009 / 3:49 AM
it feels sucky when one didn't reply my text when i am actually anticipating it ):
but yeaps, i am really, really concern about it.
i really hope that i can be your listener (:
---
with the same mouth, same tongue, same hands, same legs, same body, same heart, same soul that we use to praise and worship God, we use it to sin against him too.
we use our mouth and tongue to sing love songs to God, but yet using the very same mouth and tongue to gossip or to utter vulgarities.
we use our body, heart, mind and soul to honour God during P&W, we are using the very same body, heart, mind and soul to dishonour Him during our daily life.
what an irony.
that's why...
do not be ignorant.
before you would dishonour Him, think about how you used every fiber of your being to honour Him last service, or caregroup, or whatever settings.
---
Daniel 6:4-5
4 At this, the administrators and the satraps tried to find grounds for charges against Daniel in his conduct of government affairs, but they were unable to do so. They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent.
5 Finally these men said, "We will never find any basis for charges against this man Daniel unless it has something to do with the law of his God."
i want to be like daniel, really really.
to lead a blameless life where no one can find fault in me even if they were to stalk me or hiding in my wardrobe peeping at my details of life leading.
nothing to hide, this is freedom.
doing things from the inside out, not outside in,
i must first be convicted on the inside then, the outside will follow suit.
from the inside out of my soul, i want to lead a blameless life.
i want to please God from the inside, not only the outside.
no matter how powerful i am on the outside, what matter most to God and myself is still the inside of me.
---
can my heart be Your home?
FROM A SHOW...
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 / 5:18 AM
一直有一种空空的感觉
好像风吹进一个洞
洞里什么都没有
只有风自己的回音
ALWAYS AND FOREVER.
/ 3:34 AM
you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you made me happy
when skies are grey
you never know dear
how much i love you
please don't take my sunshine away.
---
without my sunshine, my sky would be grey.
so please don't take my sunshine away.
be my sunshine, always and forever.
F.R.I.E.N.D.S
/ 1:19 AM
having friends that could understand your rational behind whatever you are saying and doing is better than having a lover that understand nuts about you.
---
just random, don't have to put too much thoughts onto why i made the above comment.
TAKE IT ALL.
Monday, November 16, 2009 / 2:30 PM
What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we're living
That's what we give to you, Lord
甜甜的 (:
/ 12:53 AM
i love this song like long ago..
cause the lyrics is damn sweet...
and i like the way jay chou uses food to describe his feelings / love.
hahahaha!
just being random, i feel like putting the lyrics on my blog!
我轻轻尝一口你说的爱我
还在回味你给过的温柔
我轻轻的尝一口这香浓的诱惑
我喜欢的样子你都有
你爱过头竟然答应我
要给我蜂蜜口味的生活
加一个奶球我搅拌害羞
却将你的爱完全吸走
你的爱太多想随身带走
想你的时候就吃上一口
我温热着每个孤独感受
却又担心降温了要求
我尝着你话里面的奶油溜啊溜
听过的每句话都很可口油啊油
那些多余的画面全被跳过
你的眼中只有我
我轻轻的尝一口你说的爱我
还在回味你给过的温柔
我轻轻的尝一口这香浓的诱惑
我喜欢的样子你都有
我轻轻的尝一口你说的爱我
舍不得吃会微笑的糖果
我轻轻的尝一口蜂糖虽然不多
却将你的爱完全吸收
我微笑着让香味停留
缘份走到这也赖者不走
像夹心饼干中间有甜头
继续下去不需要理由
我尝着你话里面的奶油溜啊溜
听过的每句话都很可口油啊油
那些多余的画面全被跳过
你的眼中只有我
我轻轻的尝一口你说的爱我
还在回味你给过的温柔
我轻轻的尝一口这香浓的诱惑
我喜欢的样子你都有
我轻轻的尝一口你说的爱我
舍不得吃会微笑的糖果
我轻轻的尝一口蜂糖虽然不多
却将你的爱完全吸收
我轻轻的尝一口你说的爱我
还在回味你给过的温柔
我轻轻的尝一口味道香浓的说
我喜欢的样子你都有
---
very interesting right?
lol.
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009 / 9:18 PM
as simple as unlike poles attract and like poles repel..so as us repelling when we are way too close.
like poles are not meant to do life hand in hands, side by side.
why live in denial and choose not to acknowledge this fact which even a primary school student understands the logic behind it?
we are too alike and yet too different in many ways.
take a step back and see the complete picture.
it's true that you would be better off without me.
i've tried.
but there is no way to go against the law of nature ; no matter what, for two like poles to attract, it's no way to be possible.
SMILE, FROM THE WITHIN.
/ 3:25 AM
sometimes, just so randomly, when you thought of something...
you can't help but to smile, really smile from the within.
or sometimes, when your day is filled with so much fun, laughters and joy...
you can't help but to smile, really smile from the within when you rest your head on the pillow at night recalling your day.
it could be a really funny joke, it could be a sweet text from someone, it could be something good that has happened, it could even be someone that can cause you to smile from the within.
but it is just so so hard.
easy to smile from the within in a moment to moment basis.
but it's so hard to end your day and when you look back, you will be able to smile from the within.
because even the day can be fantastic, it simply doesn't mean that it would end well.
how hard, how hard to fall asleep smiling, smiling from the within and conclude my day with a genuine genuine genuine smile, from the inside - my heart.
HE VISITED MY HEART TODAY.
Thursday, November 5, 2009 / 2:42 AM
i wonder why, today is such a tiring day for not only me, but to many.
i was duper reluctant to make my appearance in school today, not because i overslept or i am sick...
but i simply have no idea why i don't even have the energy to open my eyes, not mentioning to sit up.
i have to morning call my dearest and i held my cell on my hands and went into deep coma without calling.
hahaha, mann.. i am seriously fatigue.
ask me not, because i have no idea why too. =/
but such a princess like me overcame the bed monster and made my grand appearance in school.
*pat my shoulders* hahahaha.
there's no huge thing or significant incident happening today..
lesson was bored as expected.
you will be so wrong if you were to guess that my day will end in an expected manner..
i can say that nothing huge or significant happened physically...
but He visited my heart today.
this is more than enough to cause significant changes to my life or rather, attitude towards everything.
i have no intention to elaborate the details but i am more than willing to share if you ask (:
hang on, that's provided if i am comfortable (:
anyhow, i've done things that i never thought myself to be doing, i've said things that i never thought myself would be saying too.
all in all, i obeyed and humbled myself.
indeed, obedience bring blessings (:
He moved in amazing ways...
and with this i have came to realise, i wasn't that angry or upset as i thought...
maybe i had already let go or rather, knows His heartbeat.
because i know his heartbeat, my heart was broken like how his was broken.
i am really touched when i was awaken, knowing how foolish i was.
i had a great time shepherding my two darlings today.
i am seriously anticipating for more!
i am already looking forward for the next meeting!
hahahaa.
i want to change.
i want to be a better person for Him.
i want to do something to this dying land.
oh mann, my heart is beating so fast that i couldn't catch up with it's pace.
in a short bus ride, it allows me to reflect my day, my attitude and the list goes on..
my heart of stone has been replaced.
omg, where am i going to begin with?
all i can say is.. use me and guide me.
i may and i will still be disagreeing with many factors.
but even if i feel that i am really right, i will handle things will a gentle spirit.
i should stop being angry, stop grumbling, stop being pissed and irritated and start to do something!
i felt that even if i were to be angry for a good cause, my bad spirit has defeated everything.
a gentle spirit, tings!
i want to change and create a revival..
if i can.
i will do my best! (:
i hope i will never forget that He paid a visit to my heart today.
because i know that the tendency of me being pissed again is HIGH.
rawr, never ending testings.
so people, help me lar..
help me by increasing your EQ a little; stop provoking me!
hahahaha!
---
step by step, thats what i wanna say to myself.
whatever i want to do, i will do it one step by another...
many things to deal with myself, but i know that i have taken a great step today.
and i am glad (:
but there are somethings that will never change.
princess' princess 241207 <3s.
no need to elaborate, you should know who visited my heart today, right?
it's none other than the Almighty (:
1. tings charis