Monday, May 11, 2009 / 1:02 AM
想回到过去...hello world!
ting is like... super shag now.
and the thought of going to school tomorrow makes me even shag-er, if there's such a word.
HAHA.
i had overnight with the girls last night.
it's fun catching up and spending time together.
the only boo boo is that, i can't sleep for nuts.
so, i decided to go home like... 7am plus.
wahaha!
i attended my cousin's wedding today.
i have no idea why i don't feel the tingling sensation thing in me, nor any warmth.
maybe because i somehow feel that it's an obligation more than something blissful.
LOL.
what to do? the girl's pregnant...
my brother even tried to be funny by asking me to bet when they'll divorce each other.
dot dot dot.
yeah, i put on make up today!
it's fun and troublesome.
boo.
---
along the way, some things just change.
there's indeed a difference between one and two.
when you are one person and when you have the other one with you.
you no longer can do wilful things, no longer be who you really are.
you have to consider others' needs, above your very own.
you used to have one brain to think for one person...
now, you still have one pathetic brain, but this time round, you think for two person.
however, please note that i am not one anti-relationship person.. HAHA.
it's bullshit when people say they just want you to be yourself.
there is no perfect being that can really tolerate your very true self.
if there are, there won't be such things like stepping on one another's toe.
if all of us were to be ourselves every moment, i couldn't imagine what will really happen.
precious lesson gained for myself.
i am too naive to believe that i can really be myself...
but you know, when we are being ourselves, we will tend to sway to the selfish extreme?
haha, because if i am myself, people doesnt like..
i asked too much, i talked non stop, i am selfish, i am not a good listener, i am demanding, i am insecure and the list goes on...and on.
i want to be understanding, to control my emotions and stuffs.
to be very honest, that's not myself at all.
i don't think many of us are like super understanding or whatever by nature.
we will put everything in control for the good of others and ourselves...
that's how human works.
not to be hypocrite, but not to be "too yourself" too.
it's tiring, hell tiring to strike a balance like this.
i wonder, is it even possible to have someone in your life that REALLY allow and doesnt mind you being yourself?
if you are being yourself, that person cant be themselves...
oh well, thats so bad and saddening.
okay, why not i put it this way...
is it even possible to have someone is your life that allows you to be yourself and at the same time, they can be themselves too, without stepping on one another's toe?
hahahaha, i doubt so, seriously.
so yeah, i am doing my best to strike that balance well, for the sake and the good of those i love, and those who loves me, and not leaving out myself as well (:
i begin to realise that my definition of freedom in the past is so damn wrong.
the big twist is this...
the restrictions that i used to perceive has became the kind of freedom i desire...
and the freedom that i tried so hard to get hold became my restrictions.
hohoho, what a prank deh?
if only i can get the blessings from everyone, if only i can announce it out loud.
if only things weren't that restricted.
if only i am perfect...
if only...
and yes, i hate what i am going through now. =/
but at the end of the day, what i really desire is the blessing from God. (:
now... i really understands what it means by...
RESTRICTIONS ARE FOR GREATER FREEDOM.
to conclude this random whole thing before i raise my white flag to my bed monster...
i really appreciate God's unfailling love for me.
His love never change, not a single day.
His love gives me security, He is never tired in assuring me when i felt lonely.
He is always faithful, He allows me to be myself and not only that, He guides me to be a better person with ton loads of patience.
He corrects me in love and gentleness.
He picks me up when i fall, He wipe my tears when i cry.
He is always there for me, He neither slumber nor sleep.
He is the only one that knows why i behave the way i behaved, He understands my inmost fears and needs.
He knows what i have went through and He knows how to fix my broken heart.
He treats me like a princess but He never spoils me.
i have a great God, i must treasure my relationship with Him.
this relationship comes free, but it's never cheap.
i love you, daddy.. my faithful daddy.
--
PS: hey, i love you..i really do (:no regrets, no nothing. (not complaining either)i promise.
1. tings charis