SAY IT ISN'T SO.
Saturday, July 25, 2009 / 4:37 AM
yes, i have no idea why blooger is this cui...
apparentely, i am typing in a small box living in a messy website.
oh well, i shall put do with it then -.-"
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once again... i have no idea how or what to begin with...
but yes, life has been really hectic for me.
but again, it's not because of fyp or maybe any kind of stress that i might be going through; frankly, i myself do not understand why i define my current life as hectic.
but yes, i just feel this way.
i am hopping that i am not just being emotional or what... but ting is really tired.
y'know, life can be so so meaningless at times.
i even begin to question my existance on this earth.
sigh, i am just so reluctant to do anything and everything.
ting has lost herself along the way and she can't seem to find herself back.
she awfully miss herself so much but she doesn't have the strength to find herself back anymore.
maybe the issue or concern is not about finding herself back anymore, but it's more of how to develop herself to be better from here.
i have given so much, so much.
but what i received was just disappointments.
i have so much, so much to say...
but all i got is tongue tied.
i simply do not know how to express in a way that people will understand what i truely wanted.
do you know how frustrated i am when i fail to express and end up making things worse?
i can no longer be logical, i can no longer keep my mind sane.
i know the rules of the game very well, yes i do.
but i doesn't seem to play by the rules or rather, i can't play by the rules.
i am so stuck, i want to get out of everything but i am stuck.
it's just so painful inside me.
i have never been this insulted before.
i have never been rejected this hard before.
i have never swollowed or rather, force my pride down my throat this much before.
i have never love like this before.
i have gave so much, but i wonder if i would ever be appreciated.
i know myself well...
i know my flaws even better.
i know and i know..
but what am i suppose to do with them?
i have never felt like this before.
never felt this hurt before.
if that person whom i deemed the most important and closest with can even hurt me with words of anger, den who am i suppose to turn to right now?
the truth simply hurt and i wonder if i will ever recover.
if that person whom i confide in the most can't seem to communicate with me well, then what am i suppose to do?
you people said that you want to know me better, you want to be my listening ear..
so people, if i am willing to share everything, will you guys not judge and listen as who i am?
so you want me to be honest, but when i am honest, things just go the unexpected direction.
so what now?
sigh.
the worse thing is that you know what is the right thing to do and yet, you can't do it.
why is that things seem so easy for you when i gotta take tons and tons of determination to acheive them?
i am not doubting anything, but myself.
i doubt myself for being an ideal friend that you and i wanted.
the temptation of hiding and vanish is so so great.
what is love, who is love?
if i am truely loved, why am i still broken?
i wish i could just point fingers at the whole world and not take responsibility over myself, but i can't.
the people whom i love and treasure... became my greatest source of pain.
so tell me, what is there to live for now?
i miss my daddy in heaven...
i know he will be there collecting my tears and walk through the valley with me.
but daddy, come and save me now.
i am so damn painful.
i don't want to struggle or survive here anymore.
i am so tired of faking my smile daily, i am so tired.
i can't seem to cling on to whatever i am clinging on now.
not God, not my sunshine, not my lovely ex leaders who claims to love me, not anyone.
you have no idea how badly i am hurt.
you have no idea what i have become.
you have no idea that what i need now is not more painful turths from you.
and, you have no idea that i actually understand your pains.
you've to understand and listen to what i am
not saying.
God, save me.
maybe it's time for me to lead my own life and not to be a burden to you.
if not, at least... not to stress you.
it's painful to understand that my sacrifice is your joy robber.
i'll learn to let go (:
i've chocked you too tight.
freedom is without, ting.
say it isn't so.
i will believe, because you said so.
1. tings charis