ALONE, DOWN & OUT.
Monday, November 30, 2009 / 2:37 AM
Let me share with you guys two ugly truths.
no doubt, it's related to myself...
you may or may not be interested, but these two freaking ugly truths pierced through my heart, and ouch, it hurts.
#1. My dad planned to chase me out of the house long ago.
before i made the decision to move, my dad has been sending me texts that threatens me and often lock me out of the house.
i called myself depressing cinderella, rings a bell to you?
my heartless dad's poor english goes like this... "U go out, don't come back.", or "Get out, don't take money from me." or "door lock in 15mins" or "U go ur friend house, don't come back". yada yada.
imagine yourself receiving this almost everyday from your dad, your very own dad that gave birth to you.
yes, he succeeded, i finally reach 21 and hit my limit and moved.
till now, it has been 3 months, he hasn't called.. not at all.
right away, he redecorated my room into a baby room; yes, that baby that happens to be my half-brother that will meet the world in a month time.
he even told eugene to collect my house keys back.
whoa, awesome.. i got the hint like so totally.
he doesn't want me back home.
if he weren't planning for my departure, then why sent those smses everyday and react so quickly after i left?
why aren't he calling me?
do you how it feels to be me, with your very own dad planning for your departure and worse still, not having the slightest plan to have you back?
talking about blood is thicker than water?
come on, this doesn't apply to me.
#2. Loving me and loving the real me is two different affairs to the one i treasure most.
today, i learnt that it's impossible for someone to love you for who you are, other than God, of course.
i have given up hope to believe in those lies about i can be who i am, because at the end of the day, people just wants you to be who they expect you to be.
yes, i learnt this in the hard way, when the one you love most hurts you, this is how painful it can be.
despite all the tears, the one that claimed to treasure me most chose to leave and not come back.
they let you cry like mad alone when they clearly know you are running a fever and ain't feeling well.
they tells you the painful truth about how annoying you are and then put it off assuming you will be alright with a simple apology.
communication is important, how frustrating it can be not to be understood.
i have my share of wrongs, i don't deny.
i tried not to play the blame and shame game here.
so i've decided to withdraw myself from this game.
i will never believe that i can be treasured when my mask is removed.
you painted the most beautiful picture but you tore it off with your bare hands.
---
why, why?
again and again, they inflicted pains into me.
again and again, i am disappointed.
i am both dejected and rejected.
---
just like i end my sentences with a fullstop, i am ending all these with a fullstop as well.
i want to move on, i want to dump all these behind me.
i will never talk about wanting a sunshine when my skies are grey, i will never talk about having a happy family.
it won't happen to me, anyway.
i am an adult now, i will not lean on my two great pillars that i used to lean on.
i still have my friends, my mother and most importantly, God with me.
bear with my emotions for awhile, friends.
my heart will smile when i am done crying and having bitterness.
i will move on when i settle my emotions down.
till here.
good night.
1. tings charis