I NEED GOD TO INTERVENE.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010 / 1:18 PM
we were randomly chatting over a few texts and i randomly ask "do you think that i would ever find someone that can love and accept me for who i really am?".
he replied saying that i should open up first and he knows that i am someone who will hide my emotions and feelings and it would take a long time to get into my inner world.
he also said that i need to lower my guard yada yada.
hah, for a moment, i thought to myself that this person knows me well!
but the thing is...
i allowed you to enter into my inner world and i am so totally off guard when i was with you...
but you came in and decided that this is not the world that you wanna be in and chose to slam the exit door.
leaving me behind, wondering what have i done wrong..
wondering if i am too lousy for you or is my inner world so bad that you are tired of me?
you are like a bounced cheque, giving hope and then disappointments.
i can claim nothing from what you've said.
it's not easy to open up that door, but once i open.. it's not easy to shut.
it's even harder to open it up once again after it was forced shut by you.
you do things your way, you consider your stand.
but never have you thought of the pain you've put me through.
you've created a mess in my life and now, i have to pick up the mess... on my own.
i used to thought that even if i am in the mess, i have someone walking through with me.
now, knowing that it was my naive thoughts..
i shall be painfully used to such life, such pain.
i have my share of wrong, i know.
but what's torturing me now is not guilt, but by remembering all your broken promises.
i always have lousy memory, but all of the sudden, it became good when i don't want it to be.
and it's haunting me like nuts.
what a good for nothing brain i have.
i am tired.
tired of reaching something that i will never reach.
tired if being a fool,
tired of acting.
i am tired of remembering and dwelling.
i am tired by the fact that you are the person that i know and now became the person that i knew.
actually just one word from you, it will be like my energy boost..
but i know that i shouldn't and cannot expect anymore.
i want to escape, but i have nowhere to go.
i want to bid you goodbye, but i cannot don't have you.
torturing, indeed.
*i am talking about different people altogether.
the person that text me and the person i am talking about is not the same person!
HAHA.
1. tings charis