Hi, call me 'Peter No. 2' !!
Monday, June 28, 2010 / 12:22 AM
"we must understand that love leaves for a reason, but never without a lesson"
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there are many many things that are beyond my understanding.
i am a very 'step-by-step' person, it means that i learn thing one at a step...
even when i do my math question, i cannot afford to skip any step, because i will simply get confused.
hey wait, why am i talking about this?
hah, just random though!
anyway, i am very glad that i am in service today.
i am ashame to say that i have missed quite a number of these recently.
due to various reasons....
but nonetheless, i believed that God arranged everything.
allow me to talk more about my dearest God here...
no doubt, i love God! really :)
it's indeed true that apart from God, we can do nothing.
i felt that i have lost so much, so much in my life because i withdraw myself alot from God.
its not that God curses me but it is myself who has forfeited all His blessings.
going all the way down to the root problem is the only way to restoration.
but do i have the courage to dig out all my root issues?
why am i like that, why do i behave this way, what was i thinking and yada yada...
mannn, all these are ugly, seriously ugly.
the hardest person to confront and to face is actually yourself.
hey, it require tons and tons of courage to face yourself, isn't it?
that's why we are always being reminded that bring your sins up to the light, because when everything is still in the dark, the devil is in control and you cant experience full restoration from God when you are not 100% honest with your wrongdoings.
sigh, how hard it is.
i once told God, i seriously miss serving fervently in the church and all that...
but i cant, i just cant go back to how it used to be...
i dont deserve anything good, i have totally let Him down...
i know that God is not like that, God is gracious...
but i cant help but to think that i dont deserve anything good.
however, i was told that the worse thing that we can ever do to ourselves is to disqualify ourselves after our failures.
oh God, i think all my confidence and belief in myself drop to rock bottom because i have already disqualified myself from all these...
i thank God for such reminders.
God longs to restore me rather than condemning me.
though now i am still confused about many things...
but at least, i must know that though i am the worse of all, i am still under God's umbrella.
God is so gracious to me, really.
i want to find an avenue to serve Him...
so i shall explore around and see how things go!
i hope that i will have a new beginning in my life...
a fresh start and i will grow in God all from the beginning..
just like a new believer :)
frankly... as i type all these...
i am actually doubting myself.
i am afraid that it is only a once off conviction...
so God, help me to build upon this conviction.
i want to be a living testimony for your grace.
seriously, after listening to all the passage, i really think that i am peter number 2.
i used to declare proudly that i will never deny Jesus, i will do this and do that.. blah blah blah.
haha, but i am the one that fall and the one that fail Him the most.
Peter said "Lord you know my heart" after the third time Jesus asked peter if he loves Him...
Peter was actually saying that, "Lord, you know that i love you, but i will fail you sometimes, but i will love you as much as i can......." and he knows that many times, his words are louder than his actions....
this is exactly what i want to tell Jesus...
i always proclaim that i love you, but my actions say otherwise...
so God, i will really really do my best to love you with all my heart, soul and mind.
God, you know my heart, you know that i love you alot.
apart from you, i can do nothing, apart from you, i am nothing.
i know that i sucked big time... turning to you is always my last resort...
this shouldnt be the way...
i must guard my heart well by guarding my time with you...
going deep with you so that i can grow deep in you.
God, this is not too late, right?
help me and use me greatly.
please.
thank you Lord :)
1. tings charis