I HAVE LOST MY KEYS.
Friday, July 16, 2010 / 12:58 AM
A short conversation with my annoying friend (HAHAHA) over texts trigger my thoughts.
this thought has been always in my mind but it somehow got alive today.
shall i name myself a walking corpse or one soulless body?
it has been a long time since i felt alive and i almost forgot how it feels to be alive.
its like an empty shell, a crack one.
it seems like even if i were to be run down by a huge truck, i will not feel any pain.
my nerves are dead?
nah, i beg to differ.
its just that there is nothing in this world could be more painful than the torment in my heart.
but no worries folks, i am trying hard, damn hard to pursue my own desired kind of life.
i secretly made a vow in my heart that i will never, never allow anybody to take control of me.
its torturing not to be in control of your life.
i will grab the key of my life back from the one that doesn't appreciate it and keep it in a high quality fireproof safe box, so that no one would never, ever have the key to my life / heart.
i cannot remember when is my first exposure of friendship / relationship...
but i cannot deny that many came straight to my face pin pointing my indifference kind of attitude towards friendship.
and i have to admit that i seldom invest and i couldnt care less, most of the time.
hah, i am not proud of it...
i do not have many friends in my life...
acquaintances who hangs around with me, play and have fun with me... i have many of them... friends, nope.
but hey people, i am not you...
i do not have the courage to hand over my key so that you can enter the home of my heart.
what if you come in and decided that this is not a place that you should stay?
what would happen to me?
it's not that i don't want to care, but i felt that no one can handle me and no one can help me.
how much can you understand me when i can't even express myself well?
it's not as if i didn't try handing over my key to someone...
but it ended up with pains and loneliness.
till now, i still haven got the full control of everything yet.
my emotions, my thoughts and even my life is still revolving this person.
it is so so heart wrenching and i have decided to find my keys back... back to the original owner and thats none other than myself.
i take control of my life and i decide my emotions and thoughts.
argh, its as hard as landing my feet on the moon but it is not something impossible.
i wouldnt say that i won't hand this key to anyone in my lifetime again...
i would, if you are willing for me to risk.
so folks, leave me alone and quit asking me how am i really.
if you don't want me to lie, then don't ask.
because i will never answer you the truth.
i am very contented with Jesus in my life and my annoying bestie.
and hopefully, the one that will come around with his white horse, sent by God to spend the rest of his life with me :)
other than that, i swear that i will NEVER allow anyone to take control of my being, my poor wounded being.
after i got back my keys back from the one that is still holding onto it... i believe that the original tings would be back.
hah, i was reminded why in the past i refused to open up...
two years ago, i forgotten about it and lower my guards down, but rest assured, i remember it now and i am on my guards again.
till then, thats all folks.
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Your grace will set me free.
1. tings charis