OUCH, I AM IN PAIN.
Sunday, July 11, 2010 / 1:49 AM
when i was in my primary school, i used to stay in a three storey high semi-D...
i remember that the house was big and beautiful. :)
but we only stayed there for about half a year and we moved out.
my parents love this house too, i mean who doesn't love staying in a big house like that?
but the house was too expensive for my parents to support and they cant help it but to sell it away.
sometimes in life, you forgo something or even throw away something that you love and treasure so much...
not because you don't want them, but its you cant have them.
just that my parents loved the house, but they cant own it as they cannot afford to.
in the same way, i throw away something i love so much because i have too much on my plate to handle this.
i have zero confidence that i will do a great job and thus, i chose the 'not-so-easy' way out, to leave.
i cross my heart and swear that i would want to keep this very much, very very much.....
i don't want to throw, i want to have it...
but i can't, i just can't.
it's too painful for me to have it, and when i am in pain, i inflict pain into the thing i treasure so much too...
so how is it possible for me to clutched my fist so hard and not let go?
i don't want to inflict pain into this precious thing in the future.
so, i have to wipe my tears and move on without this precious.
i will control myself damn hard, so that i won't turn back for a second look.
sigh.
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i once own an orange cat. :)
this cat wasn't initially mine but it somehow came into my house.
i love this cat alot, and i decided to keep her.
the cat loves me and i love the cat!
being the owner of the cat, i gave my best to it and invested lots of time and love into it.
it needs me and it doesn't wants to leave me at all :)
many times, i have the intention to ditch this cat despite loving it so much.
reason being cause i know that she wasn't originally mine and i would want to return her to her rightful owner...
but again and again, i failed...
simply because i really cannot bring myself to part with her.
awwww.
one day, my beloved orange cat decided to leave my house.
i was so upset and all day long, i did nothing but to wait for her, hoping that she will find her way home again.
but for cat being a cat, they are very individualistic and independent.
they don't have to rely on anyone.
i am not needed anymore :(
i tried my best to have my kitty back to my home but it refuses.
sometimes she will still stroll around my house but the sad thing is, it never enters into my house again.
so now, i have lost this cat for life already.
this cat is very different from me.
i believe that we think differently and our perspective of love is very different.
so we ended up parted and i can never own her again.
bye orange cat, you know that your owner miss you and loves you.
you know that you are forever special and important to me.
so orange cat, i hope that you will find a better owner that knows how to take care of you better than me and you will find someone who knows how to love you, the way you wanted.
i am very comfortable with this cat of mine.
i can be who i am and naturally, my mask would be removed upon seeing her.
i doubt i can find such a good cat in my lifetime again and i know i have lost something i need, something i love and something very important to me.
but if cat is happier without me, then why should i stop her from finding a new owner that can truly make her happy?
hah, my dear cat.... promise me that you will do better :)
now, i have decided not to own any more cats to avoid new wounds.
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i am fearful of being left all alone with my thoughts.
indeed, very fearful.
1. tings charis